Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Mob/Gremlin rule

This is topic Mob/Gremlin rule in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

1.5k short story. Small, quick paced fantasy/comedy. Looking for readers. Thank you!

quote:

The mob of tiny gremlins looked at Sam. He looked at them. "What'd you want?" he finally said.
The evident leader of the gremlins stepped forward. It was horribly ugly, and looked like a gigantic, overgrown mushroom. "What'd are you doing in our house?"
Sam sighed, ready for the worst. It was going to get ugly. Gremlins weren't known for being friendly. The only advantage he had over them was size—but there were far too many for him to take at once. If it came to fighting, he'd be beaten.
"The question is why are you in my house?"
The gremlins, almost as if on cue, laughed together. Between laughs, the leader said, "It's ours now. Get out."

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited July 04, 2004).]

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

It seems like it'd be funny, send it my way. Email is in my profile.

I have only two things:

1. " He looked at them. " What'd you want?" he finally said.

I think it would work better if it was "What do you want?" he finally asked them.

2. "The question is why are you in my house?"

I think it would work better this way:

"The question is: Why are you in my house?"

Just my two cents.

-BHJr-

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I could read it. There isn't a lot of information here, though. Yes, this is a pretty short story, but it might have to get longer.