If anyone is interested, I have been editing and rewriting my little story (7 pages so far) and I am looking for readers that'll give me honest and unbiased critiques.
I have gotten a few back and they helped out alot. You guys know who you are.
I look forward to getting some good feedback so I can hopefully finish this thing.
Thanks, once again.
Still looking for more readers with new perspectives. Especially those that like to write fantasy and/or epic stuff.
Here's the first 13 Lines of the new version.
Kyros threaded his was through the forest at dawn, just as he’s done for most of his life. He was following a path to his favorite hunting grounds.
The forest was waking up; birds began to sing, chirp, and whistle. Insects began buzzing, making the air vibrate, and the larger animals started to search for food. He swatted at a few persistent flies, hoping birds would come and eat them. The sounds of the forest assured Kyros that he came at the most opportune time.
Snapping limbs, deep throated snorts, and crunching leaf litter brought him back from taking in the cool, crisp, humid air of the morning and the feeling of solitude within the forest.
Ten deer came out from their bedding area and into view, the largest stag taking up a defensive posture in front of the herd. The rest of the herd began grazing after searching the area for threats. The stag searched again with its keen senses. It snorted as if it chased away every threat in the area. It began grazing with its herd.
Kyros slipped behind a large tree and looked at the stag. That was too close, he almost saw me. He slowly took his bow off his shoulder and got in his ready stance
-BHJr-
[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited July 07, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited July 09, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited July 25, 2004).]
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
I owe it to you to read this version. (Forgive me for not having the time to read your first one--it was deleted by my anti-spam program, and by the time I noticed it, t'was too late.)
Send it to the email in my profile--don't want those damn spammers noticing me.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
I read all the feed back when you posted it before and would be glad to read it now. E-mail is in my profile.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Send it over.
Posted by Gwalchmai (Member # 1807) on :
I'll take a look if you want more readers. Was interested by the first one but didn't have the time then.
Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :
I'm doing a total rewrite on this thing to see if I can catch the things that the few people told me about, and possibly improve on my storytelling.
I'll post it as soon as I feel that it is ready, and IF any of you want to read it again let me know.
-Bryan-
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Did you send this out with the subject "FW: Fwd: The world according to mmmmmmen!!" I haven't opened it, because I'm paranoid, but if it's your story then I will.
Posted by Lorien (Member # 2037) on :
Sorry, I'm to busy right now to have a look. Maybe next time!
Also, please do not send me any more mass forwards, I don't need more extraneous e-mail than I already get. Thank you.
Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :
Ok, the first chapter is rewritten. Any takers?
Let me know.
-Bryan-
Posted by Gwalchmai (Member # 1807) on :
If you thought my crit of the last version was of any help feel free to send me this one too.
Posted by punahougirl84 (Member # 1731) on :
I see you are looking for new readers. I haven't read it, and don't know what it's about, but I should be able to manage 7 pages (unless it's horror - can't do that)!
