Silly me.SF, 4300 words. Any comments at all are welcome. Thanks!
Edited to show Draft 2 beginning.
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The year the mosquitoes died started as the best one in Josie Langdon's life. She remembered playing in the sprinkler in the front yard. The cold water prickled and sparkled like her aunt's beaded curtain, hung upside down. Back in the hot sun, Josie gasped with laughter on the wet grass, ready to turn back and dive through the curtain again.
Her father walked up the sidewalk, home early from work. "Hey, kiddo!"
"Daddy!" She hopped through the sprinkler and ran down the sidewalk, dancing as her feet steeamed against the hot concrete.
He towered between her and the sun, giving her a spot of shade to shelter in. He picked her up, not minding that she dripped with water from the sprinkler, and swung her around. Josie shrieked with laughter.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited July 09, 2004).]
Couple of nits. "She used to have a jack-in-the-box...she had been a little girl then." For some reason, the past perfect is too weak. Probably because the entire scene is implicitly in a past perfect bubble or something. She's looking back on this summer, and then inside of that looking back is a further looking back on this toy from her earlier childhood. Not sure how to fix it, though.
Second thing seems easier. "...she was almost a teenager. She still shrieked with laughter...." Saying "almost" rather than "not yet" implies a looking forwards, whereas "still shrieked with laughter" implies happiness with her current age. I would even omit "teenager" entirely, replace the negative with something positive. "...she was at that last wonderful peak of childhood..." or something like that.
Anyway, if you like, I can read the rest.
In any event, I'm intrigued, and could take a look at the rest.
I like the ice cream truck and jack-in-the-box references, very nice. It goes a long way to developing a liking for the character. Play with the tense of the first two paragraphs a little, most of this is a memory sequence and you could do it either present or past.
Overall, the mosquitoes dying is a good hook.
She's supposed to be twelve, and I need her to be there because she's twenty six later, and there can't be more than fourteen years between the two ages.
I'm weaving Josie-child and Josie-adult threads together to tell both ends of the story. I'm trying to write this without needing to add a science exposition thread, but I think I might need to do so.
Goatboy, I actually thought about having her childhood memories in present tense, but I've been playing with that a lot recently and didn't want my fellow Hatrackers to think "Oh, there goes MR playing with present tense again..." Silly me.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited July 05, 2004).]
You've said that this is a memory of a time past--and, as stated in your thirteen lines, it is a memory of the best year of her life. Now I'm concerned that the story might end up being about something other than what I'm expecting from these first thirteen lines.
The first line alone gives me enormous expectations about how the story will develop. It leads me to a whole load of 'why' questions, but if 'the year the mosquitoes died' is not what the story is about I may find myself disappointed.
I guess my point is that I would be completely satisified with a story based on that first line alone. And if that is not what the story is about, you'll have to work pretty hard to convince me it should be otherwise since this is your starting point.
With your edited first 13, I'd say there are still some tense problems:
quote:
...still shrieked with laughter while she jumped through the sprinkler. ...And then she was gasping with laughter on the wet grass beyond the curtain, ready to turn back and dive through again.
I think it should be "gasped" instead of "was gasping". Although, I think you could say "lay gasping" and that would be right. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.
Also, the first paragraph sounds like Josie is remembering this, while the second sounds like there is a scene change or something and it is happening now. Maybe that is what you want. I have time to read it if you are looking for people!
quote:
She went from the hot sun through the cold prickly water,like her aunt's beaded curtain hung upside down.
You might want to think about this sentence. At first reading it sounded like ‘she’ was the beaded curtain. The curtain does present good imagery for a sprinkler, though.
Heresy
Send it to me and I'll try to get to both of them by the end of the week....I'm still trying to get caught back up from my long weekend with the in-laws.
It's the 14 years in between that have me stratching my head.
Should you feel the need to compose a third draft, and wish to have comments thereon, I shall be available for that service.
Mr. Fisher
Mr. Fisher and goatboy, I'm sending draft 3 to you. Thanks for offering.
Mary