Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Not the Way Home (or something)

This is topic Not the Way Home (or something) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

This is the beginning of an 82K-word (by WordPerfect count) novel. In terms of publishing category it's likely to be fantasy. But there's no magic, wizards or dragons. I think of it as soft SF, myself.

Feel free to poke at this selection. But anyone interested in the first 5,000 or so words, let me know and I'll send it.

===========================================

Heldrick sharpened his knife with slow, deliberate strokes, and wondered if he would find use for it again.

He glanced out the window. From the darkened cupola atop his old house he could observe the entire neighborhood, unseen. Clouds still darkened the sky, though the last drops of rain had fallen in the early morning. A group of youngsters played ball in the vacant lot across the street. The new boy, and a few of the others, wore jackets, for the air had an October chill, though August still clung to the calendar.

Heldrick already knew where the new boy lived. He had seen the moving van this morning, on the far side of the block across the street. Not that the child held any interest for him--more the other way around. The other boys had already pointed out
Heldrick's house and filled the youngster with their juvenile tales of terror. Heldrick knew the stories: Old Mr. Heldrick'll slice you up and put you in his soup. He'll hang you by your ears and torture you in his basement. If you step in his yard he'll come to your house at night and chop off your feet.

===========================================

[In accordance with the pro-TV group, Baldrick's name has been changed to Heldrick.]

[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited July 10, 2004).]

Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

Not to be picky - but the character name Baldrick isn't going to travel much outside the US as its the name of a well known character in a UK comedy called Blackadder.

Baldrick is the "Wait my Lord, I have a cunning plan" sidekick.

http://www.blackadderhall.co.uk/

But other than the name, it definitely gripped me. I just had to stick something else in or I kept seeing the actor Tony Robinson in a greasy wig!

I like the combinaion of the sharpening of the knife and the children playing ball. August clinging it to the calender is a nice image.

The character is drawn really well - he's sinister and has that bogey-man quality, backed up by the children's stories. That's probably why the name is freaking me so much. Its Baldrick!!!!

Sorry - that's my ten cents

Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :

Hmmm... even though I'm familar with the Blackadder comedies, that didn't spring to mind for me. I did however immediately assume a more past history setting with the first paragraph that did immediately have to be revised by the next bits of description, and I think it was the knife coupled with the name. That might not really be much of a problem though with the clues from title, blurb, and cover art in book form <shrug>.

Very atomspheric. I don't know quite what to think of Mr. Baldrick in terms of his boogy man qualities. It's creepy in this segment, but I'm not entirely sure he's been using that knife on the children...

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Nicely concise. It slips a little out of Baldrick's POV at "The other boys had already pointed out," but a 'probably' would probably fix it.

Is this horror?

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Send me the first 2,000 words or so, and I'll look at them.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

My dear Mr. Fisher, I would be delighted to read your offering.

Sincerely yours,
Mrs. R. A. Kowal

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I flashed on Baron Baldrick first, myself. The name is inherently a funny one, since it derives from the term for "a belt from which you hang your sword/bugle/whatnot" and is often used as a double entente.

I think that you're relying too heavily on your externals for the mood and not enough on your POV's perception. This is valid if you're going to betray the expectations raised by the external mood indicators and have your character turn out to be a really nice guy, but if you're setting him up as a creep, then use his own thoughts to condemn him.

Still, this does have a good draw. And your "soft SF" idea sort of interests me. I'd look at the first bit.

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

It's on the way, folks.

And Kolona: It's not horror. I know there's a suggestion of that in this initial section, but it doesn't last. (At least, I don't mean it to.)

[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited July 06, 2004).]

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Is it too late to add another reader?

And yeah, the Baldrich threw me off--took me way out of time and place. But then, that could have been done by the description you gave it rather than the lines themselves.

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

Never too late. It's on the way.

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

Ok Rick. I've watched alot of British humor( Fawlty Towers, Are you being served, etc) but never Black Adder. Anyways, It does have a sense of foreboding to it, as well as an eerieness that gives it a GREAT start, as well as keeping the reader turning the pages.

But I'd be happy to give my thoughts on your piece. Send it on over. It might take me a few days to get to it but, I will.

-BHJr-

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

Your wish is my command.

Well, this wish, anyway.

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

You may be pleased to know, after a very quick search on altavista, the name Heldrick is not a common name, and likely not ever used in a fictional story -- and apparently, other than used as a surname for a rare few people, it seems that the only reference to any fictional Heldrick appears to come from a video game, as Lord Heldrick. I've been unable to determine which game, however, it is either Ultima Online, or some game with the initials EM -- as a gamer, I'm highly embarassed by my lack of knowledge as to what EM could be. It may not even be a video game.

So, for what's it worth, you hereby are free to use Heldrick without fear of repercussion.

Btw, Black Adder is a great television series. Shame it only lasted four short, six-episode seasons. Still brilliant nonetheless.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

My dear Mr. Fisher,

Will you please send me the rest of your novel? I simply must know what has happened to your protaganist. I have sent my brief notes in the mail. Wishing you all the best, I am

Most sincerely yours,
Mrs. R.A. Kowal

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

Having read the entire story ( which took me 3 or 4 days, but I did get it read ). But I liked it, and the change to Heldrick sounded better than Baldrick to me anyways.
Heldrick sounds more of a fantasy name than Baldrick. Great change of name!!

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

You're nuts, Monolith. I didn't send you the whole thing until 4:30 pm on the 14th. You responded before midnight on the 15th. If that's three to four days, I'll eat my cloak. (Unless you're counting the time from when I sent the first 5000 words--but that seems like cheating.)

Anyway, thanks for reading it and for your comments.

Thanks also to Survivor, Mrs. Kowal, and Dakota. Comments have been both encouraging and insightful, and best of all, flaws indicated have all been ones that I can fix easily.

Phanto, did you want to be thanked too?

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

I think that's what it was, from the time you sent me the first installment. My days run together sometimes.

Don't worry about eating a cloak. As it's said " My bad "

-Bryan-