I'm just looking for some feedback on this story. The whole thing is about 2000 words and it is the first short story I've written in years. If you want to read the whole thing let me know and I'll e-mail it.
Thanks.
******
Kill him. That’s what she would do – kill him. And she knew exactly how she would do it too; she would wring his scrawny little neck, squeezing the life from his writhing body the way the corset she was wearing restricted her breath, and with the daggers he’d had plastered to the ends of her fingers maybe he’d bleed a bit too, at least they’d be useful for something.
In seven hundred years she had never felt so degraded. Once feminism hit she’d actually thought that maybe women were finally getting away from manipulating men with their feminine wiles like a bunch of puppets. After six hundred and fifty years, women were achieving real power, openly rivaling their male counterparts. Ah the Sixties. It was a wonderfully glorious age, the age of the women warriors.
Yet, here she was, bosom protruding from the black satin cage around her chest which caused her to gasp for air, her nails unnaturally long and painted a scandalous shade of crimson, balancing atop a pair of six inch spike-heeled tango shoes; nothing but a tantalizing piece of meat.
Posted by Heresy (Member # 1629) on :
Send it on over to me, I'll take a look at it. email should be in my profile
Heresy
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Hmmm, if she really objects so strenuously...I mean, she's seven hundred years old, right? What could possibly motivate her to do something she really didn't want to do?
It's interesting, though. I'll let some other people read it first, all the same.
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
Thanks Heresy, I've sent it over.
Survivor, Thanks for the initial feedback. Part of the character's motivation is revealed in about the next 13 or so lines but maybe I need to work something in sooner or clarify who and what she is.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Welcome! Geez, this sudden influx newbies is making me feel like an old timer! And I've only been here four months.
I'm not as bothered as Survivor by what I don't know yet.
While I feel that these thirteen lines could be tightened up some, I'm also not dissatisfied enough to not want to read more. So send it over.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
I'm agreeing w/ Dakota... I like the idea of your story, but think you could do better w/ the opening... punctuation, etc... I could be wrong, but it felt like you were sort of drifting between two POV's... or maybe not... that's just what it felt like.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited July 08, 2004).]
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
Believe it or not, the opening for this story was inspired by wearing fake nails for the first time ever. They were akward and made everything difficult to do. However there is something intrinsicly sexy and powerful about them. I combined this experience with a character I "created" for a role-playing game I dabbled with a few years ago.
The character sort of embodies a baseness as well as a sophistication and I'm trying to draw out that duallity.
Perhaps that is why it seems like multiple POV?
Thoughts? Based on the first 13, any suggestions?
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
Maybe I've subconsciously picked up on that, then... don't know. After a second reading, I didn't quite get the same impression. I might've read it too quickly.
If you send me what you've got, I'll certainly take a look at it and go from there...
I do think the second paragraph needs a better start, or could likely be cut altogether...
The first line of the second paragraph seems like it would work well with the "wanting to kill" stuff in the first paragraph. In fact, it may even be a really good first opener of the story! (?)
Email is in my profile... It's nearly bedtime for me, but I'll certainly read it tomorrow.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
A seven hundred year old sophisticate, eh? Okay, that makes a lot of sense. Does't make me want to read the story (unless she gets killed in the end and has just enough time to regret her wasted life ). But that's a matter of taste, not your descriptive powers.
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
I'll take a look. E-mail in profile.
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
Thanks for all the feedback I'm getting.
If story didn't send coherently (i.e. ms word code instead of proper punctuation)let me know and I'll re-send as an attachment.
By the way is there a preference for how this should be done? Should I be sending things as attachments or cutting and pasting into the body of the e-mail?
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
I think there's a current thread somewhere on this very subject (how to send). It's really a very personal preference, and it would be a good idea for the author to state the format of the document (or available formats), and for the critiquers to state how they prefer to receive it.
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
Based on some of the feedback I'm getting, I'm thinking about trying to make some things more concise and others a bit more lengthy.
Because my character was originally developed for a role playing game, if I introduce elements from that "world" into my story could I run into "fan fiction" issues?
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Specific elements? Yes.
And as far as readers here, we want to read YOUR work. Not someone elses. Others' works give us inspiration and ideas, nothing more.
). But that's a matter of taste, not your descriptive powers.