Hatrack River Writers Workshop: New Piece

This is topic New Piece in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by damocles (Member # 2089) on :

This peice is the ending of a series of short bits (character study, maybe?) called "Turning Twenty-One". This bit is called "The Man On The Quarter".

Over breakfast, Corporal Grady from the base MPs approached him. “Your birthday today, Lieutenant? I screened the package myself. Nice family you got back there.” He sat down, uninvited, but the young man liked the Corporal and didn’t make an issue of it.

Sergeant Rodriguez, the Lieutenant’s usual dining companion, spoke up. “Are we celebrating tonight? I know you’re not huge on parties, George, but I’m sure the boys would like a chance to give you one.”

As Lieutenant George Washington opened his mouth to speak, a distant whistling could be heard, followed by crashes from the outskirts of the base. The Sadr boys acting up again.

“We’ll see what happens today first, Sergeant.”

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

This is the ending of your text, or do you mean it's the beginning of the final text in a series?

In the first case (that it's supposed to be an ending), I just have to say, it doesn't seem much like an ending. Also, it's really not typical for people to post the ending of their stories before anyone has gotten a chance to even see an outline of the stories themselves.

As a beginning, you fail to establish the POV, and you wait two paragraphs to introduce the title character by name (which is not long enough for any kind of surprise effect, but certainly long enough to be off-putting).

Technical difficulties aside, you have an introduction of the title character as a young man with a family back home, and the beginnings of a conflict that can drive the story.

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

As a former military person, I have to say that fraternization between noncoms (Sergeant, in this case) and officers isn't going to happen much -- certainly not in the mess hall. Definitely not there, if anywhere at all.

Unless, of course, you change the rules for a darn good reason in your story. Otherwise, don't make him is "usual" anything...

Of course, I did fraternize with an officer or two as a noncom... but we played in a band together -- until he got in trouble for doing it. I still called him Captain, however.

"Hey, Captain Dan! Try playing a major chord instead of a minor, would you. I'd hate to have to break your fingers if you do it again."

For the record, that conversation never happened. I was only 19... he was 27 and twice my size.

Edit: Staff NCO's might be different however... such as Staff Sergeant, Gunnery Sergeant, Master Sergeant... etc.

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited July 12, 2004).]

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I have trouble keeping the character's straight. In these few short lines you introduce (counting) three individual people (Corporal Grady, Lieutenant Washington [who is represented with four different character tags], Sargeant Rodriguez) and three ancillary groups of people (the MPs, the Lieutenant's family, the Sadr boys).

Also, when you introduced the name of Corporal Grady ahead of that of your main character, I immediately thought Corporal Grady was to be the main character. I suggest introducing the main character's name first or at least with greater emphasis early on. For instance:

"Over breakfast a corporal from the base MPs approached Lieutenant Washington."

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Corporal Grady Lieutenant Sergeant Rodgriguez George Lieutenant Washington Sadr boys?

*blink*
Mind freeze.

That blurb of 10 names assaults my concentration. Mind you, I'm used to Epic Fantasy so I'm happy enough reading not knowing who is who, but it's still an issue here.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Hmmm, point to HSO, in that you don't make it clear whether or not this is a mess hall or a dining area in some sort of small field base. I thought it was clearly not a conventional mess hall in a conventional base, but that was merely an impression.

The "too many names" thing seems to be a common problem people have with military fiction. I have no idea why.

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Survivor: Because "Corporal Grady (?) Lieutenant Sergeant Rodgriguez George Lieutenant Washington Sadr boys!"

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

quote:
The "too many names" thing seems to be a common problem people have with military fiction. I have no idea why.

The answer is simple: In the military, you rarely do anything alone. There's always someone nearby, tagging along, or instructing you / guiding you. Your team or group (sometimes called a "fire team" in the Marines) is typically 4 - 6 people. These people become your closest friends. They become your family. So... naturally...

However, regarding "Chow Time." Even in the 'field', Officers rarely eat with enlisted, and never as a usual thing. Let me repeat that: NEVER! Occasionally, they'll sit with you, get an idea about how you feel about something.... but that's a rare day. It's how the military is structured... You absolutely cannot have an effective Chain of Command if you fraternize. It's impossible. That's why I get so pissed off over movies like that when this happens.

That said, long time enlisted folk, or Staff NCO's, are often seen by younger officers as a valuable resource. The smart "O" knows that he isn't as experienced as some of his troops. He relies on his senior enlisted to inform him, to teach him how things REALLY work. Friendships often do occur and fraternization at this level is common, but it's also limited. Sergeant and below (pay grades E1 through E5) would never happen.... unless in your story you have a darn good reason for it to happen.

I suspect that military will function similarly in the far off future as how to it works today.