This is topic 1st 13: The Shocking Affair of the Dutch Steamship [i]Friesland.[/i] in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
[just edited to incoporate suggestions from below.]
I'm sending something in to "The First Line" again, so the first sentence is fixed in stone. 2820 wordcount. If you can't tell the genre from the first thirteen lines I'm in deep doo-doo.
This is the piece that I need the poison for that I mentioned in Open Discussions page.
I'd love all comments on my hook, and would welcome any readers.
---
I was born Rosa Carlotta Silvana Grisanti, but in the mid-Eighties, I legally changed my name to Eve. As you have guessed in your letter, after the shocking affair of the Dutch steamship Friesland, my dear friends Dr. Watson and Mr. Sherlock Holmes suggested that my safest course of action would be to distance myself from my family.
But I get ahead of my story; I have not Dr. Watson’s gift for explaining Mr. Holmes’s methods, and I fear your wish that I relay the particulars of this strange case may be met with inadequate measures.
On the twelfth of October, 1886, I was being taken by the steamship Frieslandfrom our home in Murano to Africa to meet my betrothed, Hans Boerwinkle, a man several years my senior with whom my father had very recently made arrangements. I know that here in the nineteen-twenties it is difficult to remember what a sheltered life we girls led forty years ago.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited July 18, 2004).]
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
May I read it? Because I love that opening... it's an excellent opening -- very, very strong. And now I have to know what's gonna happen...
Also, in my opinion, don't change it!
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I like it overall.
I found the transistion between the second and third paragraphs a bit rough. I needed some sort of more strongly defining sentence or phrase, to mark that clearly the third paragraph begins the events leading to the affair of the Dutch Steam Ship. It wouldn't take much at all.
Sounds like a good read. I could take a gander.
[This message has been edited by GZ (edited July 17, 2004).]
Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :
Very effective hook. I definitely would like to know more about what happens next. You do a good job of mimicking the Victorian language, and it feels like a Sherlock Holmes story. One thing that bugs me (but it's hard to tell from the first lines only) is the transition between the first and second sentence. The change of name to Eve - which implies a change of first names and not surnames, unless you make it much clearer - would not do much to distance Rosa from her family (much more effective to change surnames). Something like: 'would be to distance myself from my family, and so I became Rosa Eve' would help clarify the matter.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Ahhh....the 1880's interpretation. I went for the 2080's myself. (I already sent mine in...but I've been thinking of doing another one since they allow up to 3 submissions.)
Anyway, I like where you seem to be going with this, and if you want to sent along the whole thing, I'll try to read it with an eye for the August 1 deadline.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Those are great points, and I just edited the top to try to smooth things out a bit. Better?
(Hey Christine, I was wondering if you were going to do this one too. I'd love to read yours if you're up for sharing.)
Posted by goatboy (Member # 2062) on :
I would be most happy to see it. I've very nearly finished with "Another Day" and should have the critique out to you this weekend. If you want to send this latest effort along, Ill be glad to take a look.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
It's on its way over. I had no idea that we had so many Holmes fans lurking about.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
quote:I was born Rosa Carlotta Silvana Grisanti, but in the mid-Eighties, I legally changed my name to Eve.
Gagh! What kind of first line is that?
Still, I'm guessing you two are ahead of the pack. This line seems designed to elicit scores of stories about pop stardom.
Anyway, "surname name" seems a bit redundant. That may be why people are tripping over it. And GZ has a point about the transition between the second and third paragraphs. I would begin that third paragraph with a date, "On [day] of [month], [year], I was being...."
Minor points, I suppose. And I suppose destroying your artistic freedom to decide what to even name your own character has some purpose as well.
I'm not such a Holmes fan, actually, but I wouldn't mind reading this.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Oh! Doomed. You read the revised version and still thought that it was an awkward transition.
But I like the suggestion about adding a date at the beginning of paragraph three. I'll send it over as soon as I finish revising the death scene.
I'm going to take the surname line back out. Hmm. What do you think about " ...mid-Eighties I changed my name to Eve. [surname withheld] As you have guessed..."
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited July 18, 2004).]
Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :
If you're still looking for readers...But it has to be fast because I'm leaving on Tuesday. And your version [surname withheld] has, in my opinion, a punctuation problem. The period should be after the [], not before (I know you can't change it because of the first sentence :-( )
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
it's a very quick story, Silver... I read twice in about 10 minutes.
Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :
What I meant was not the reading...I'm a fast reader anyway ;-) What I meant was Mary's sending of the story, because I can access my mails but not the attachments when I'm on holiday...
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
Hmm.. that's what I get for not paying close attention to what you wrote. Sorry 'bout that.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited July 18, 2004).]
Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :
If you're still looking for readers, my time is my own again, and I would be delighted to see it. I must confess to enjoying Holmes since childhood!
Susan
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Oh, you guys just want to know which poison I picked. It's on its way over. Thanks!
Posted by babylonfreek (Member # 2097) on :
Big Holmes fan.
(--->Owns the entire works in Leather-bound)
Send away!
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Well, you'll have to let me know how well this holds up.
Out of curiousity, did anyone get the "Dutch steam Friesland" reference? You don't need it to follow the story, but...
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
You need it right away? I might be able to swing that. I'll look.
Yeah, I read most of Doyle's stuff. But had to laugh that he was such a blatant propogandist. A Study in Scarlet--what a hoot!
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
I have a theory that the Mormons in A STUDY IN SCARLET were such exotic and intriguing villains that people were more inclined to keep reading as THE STRAND serialized the novel, and thus earned Doyle (and Holmes) the beginnings of his readership.
Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :
Apart from the Hound of the Baskervilles, I don't think any of the Holmes novels reach the level of the short stories.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I think "The Hound of the Baskervilles" is the only Sherlock Holmes novel I've read but it's been ages. I've been eating his short stories for the past couple of weeks.
In "The Adventure of the Norwood Builder" there's this line, "and also the shocking affair of the Dutch steamship FRIESLAND, which so nearly cost us both our lives." In my mind there's a thrilling "off-camera" scene between them and my protaganist's brother but I couldn't fit her into the scene to witness it.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited July 19, 2004).]
Posted by Lullaby Lady (Member # 1840) on :
COOL idea, Mary! If you feel like you don't have enough readers, send it over. I'm not a Holmes fan, but I love mysteries, and enjoy a good Agatha Christie novel now and then...
Anyway, put me on your list.
[This message has been edited by Lullaby Lady (edited July 19, 2004).]
Posted by babylonfreek (Member # 2097) on :
I KNEW it sounded familiar.
I remember that line now... um, you can't show the struggle, but the aftermath? Holmes' arm in a sling? Watson with a bandage? She would comment on that.
My guess.
The Hound is the best novel. The Moors are almost nother character. The Sign of Four is also pretty good. But damn... the Moors... Sir Conan Doyle at his best
Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :
I think I'm a bit late off the mark here, but can I read it?
(Feeling left out!)
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Ha! Let me finish some of the rewrites that have just been suggested and I'll send it over. Since I completely rewrote the poison scene, Dakota is the only one who's read it, so I'd really welcome another reader for that in particular.
(I already sent mine in...but I've been thinking of doing another one since they allow up to 3 submissions.)
It's on its way over. Thanks!
COOL idea, Mary! If you feel like you don't have enough readers, send it over. I'm not a Holmes fan, but I love mysteries, and enjoy a good Agatha Christie novel now and then...