I am making a computer game based on an old boardgame, Junta. The premise is that several factions fight for political control of a Caribbean banana republic, squerreling away as much public money as possible in their Swiss bank accounts. Now, this does not require a lot of writing, but I do have some descriptions of the political parties involved, that I'd like a bit of feedback on. I hope this qualifies for the forum's purpose, though I should mention that I've no intention of making money from this - purely a hobby project.
There are two parts; first the party's own propaganda, then an outside analysis :
quote:Jesus loves you! Come to the Cathedral today for buns, tea and an inspiring sermon on the evils of Communism! Father Gonzalez will tell us of his experiences among the Godless heathens of Europe, followed by a Communist-baiting expedition to the Northside Slums. Bring your own baseball bat and join the fun!
quote:The Christian message continues to appeal to the poor, as it has for two thousand years. But the Christian People's Party is not just about love; the Lord their God is a jealous sort, who encourages smiting the heathen wherever possible. The battle cry 'God sent the right!' can bring fear to the heart of even the staunchest Anarcho-Communist.
I'm fairly happy with the propaganda, though feedback is always welcome; but I'm not quite sure about the second part. Suggestions?
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I can't really make suggestions, because its not my sort of venue. The best I can tell you that there aren't any obvious gaffes.
Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :
Just one nit: I'd say "Their battle-cry" instead of "the battle-cry". Don't ask me why, it's one of those irrational things... :-)
Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :
is staunchest a word? even if it is most staunch sounds better imo. Calling the apparent enemies of the second piece anarcho-communists is confusing because I thought the people's party were communists, but then again I suppose you probably can't easily change their names. Maybe I'm just missing something.