Hiya, fellow Hatrackers, I've got a thousand-word scene that could stand a bit of feedback. SF - thriller thing...

I'm not particulary keen with how I've written it but I can't place what is bothering me about it, so I'm begging for your help. I've rewritten the first paragraph about 10 times already. I'm confident your opinions will steer me in the right direction...

If coarse language isn't your bag of tea, then I'd advise you to avoid this one. However, the intro is clean -- so feel free to comment on those.

For those interested, I'll send it out Sunday morning my time, since I'll be out for the whole of today (Spiderman 2 and dinner w/ my wife and friends).

Here's the start:

****
Protocol dictated that he should pull the trigger and blow Kristina’s brains all over the wooden crates as she knelt down before them, setting up an explosive diversion in case things went wrong with the heist.

In a different sense, things had already gone wrong.

Jarrett’s untraceable, thirty-two year old Glock 29 automatic handgun, fully loaded and aimed at the back of her head, felt heavier in his slender hand than the 240 grams he knew it weighed. With Kristina’s back to him, this could be his only chance at preventing her betrayal.

Colin Jarrett carefully thumbed the safety off so it would make no sound. A bead of sweat from his palm trickled down...

****

 

I'd be happy to read some more.

Thirty-two year old weapons are usually substantially easier to trace than later model weapons, particularly since this Glock would probably use a form of ammunition no longer being manufactured in appreciable quantities.

And the terms "protocol" and "heist" just don't go together. Also, your first line is too long and complicated. It takes a couple of readings to figure out what is meant. The initial scan suggested to me that he was to blow her brains out if something went wrong with the heist, and that this would set up the "explosive diversion". With the later suggestion that she is part of his team rather than a hostage or something, I realized that she was setting the explosives (in wooden crates?).

A note on setting explosives, if you're going to place them, you should set them off even if nothing goes wrong. Explosives are very telling, particularly if they can be recovered intact.
 

Thx for the info; I've decided this scene will be completely rewritten. Sadly, despite having the tech. data available on a Glock 29, I do not have one handy. The tiny picture of this Glock that goes w/ the tech data leads one to believe there is a "thumb-able" safety -- as it certainly looks like one. However, careful inspection of Glock's website reveals this to not be the case (as Survivor has pointed out): There are 3 safeties on a Glock 29 and all are deactived via the trigger.

Of note: C4 is highly stable and recoverable -- as evidence by the former Naval Chief I once knew, who kept a large portion of C4 in an extra-large coffee can located under his kitchen sink for years with no ill effect. Of course, this was before the cops raided his house and confiscated it along with 20 odd weapons while he was being arrested for attempted manslaughter and discharging a weapon in public (which just happened to be a playground -- some people are idiots).

Nonetheless, since I've decided to change the scene (not due to the comments posted here), Kristina will something different to do to keep her occupied as Jarrett decides her fate.

Thanks!

Since this story is set at least forty years in the future, and todays weapons are still floating about in quantity, why not give her a rocket launcher or mortar instead? That would seem a bit more intelligent...but then, there wouldn't be as much reason for her to have Jarrett near her, and she wouldn't be busy right then.

Maybe she could be disabling an alarm system or something (but secretly, she is just rigging it to "silent" mode).
 

First, I want to add my own suprise to HSO's and wetwilly's and ask a question of Survivor. If I ever get on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, will you be my resource for "phone a friend"?

Second, to HSO, that first sentence really turned me off. Too long and "she knelt down before them" made me think at first she was kneeling down facing Jarrett instead of away.

However, if you're still looking for readers, I'd like to take a look.
 

But some things should be pretty common knowledge. A few years back when the Glock 17 was still pretty new it made the national news for a week straight after some cop shot a guy because he didn't realize the safety was integrated. A little lesson in familiarizing-yourself-with-the-weapon-before-you-go-running-around-the-mean-streets.

I personally don't like the Glock because it's hammerless which means that you need the double action and you always have to fiddle with the decocking lever to make the weapon safe (which it isn't because of the double action--firing pin block my sweet peanut butter). I do like it in video games, though.
 

I've never used a Glock. I've used a .44 and a .357 Magnum (both revolvers) that my dad owned. That's the extent of my experience with handguns.

Christine, I had no idea they allowed that. Kind of takes the fun out of the game.

Then again, I stopped watching after the first couple of seasons.
 

Jon
 

Thanks for your offers.

HSO