The Collective
Prologue
“Good God, what the hell is wrong with this guy?”
“We don’t know. He was running through an alley rambling on about nothing. He came out and collapsed in front of a couple coming home from a movie. His ears were bleeding and he said something about his head hurting.”
[Medical jargon, Patient dies]
* * *
Chapter 1
“John Doe? Your name is actually John Doe?”
“Yes, and don’t worry, it’s not like I get that everywhere I go or anything”
“I’m sorry. You have to realize that most people don’t meet a John Doe every day.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just give me my damn ID back, will ya?”
“Ok, ok, here. Now you’ll have to go through those double doors down the hall, and find a seat to wait. We don’t have these kind of exams very often, but when we do, it takes forever. I’ve been wondering, how did you guys get picked for this? I mean I haven’t noticed a trend with all the people here. The other times we just had a bunch of military guys, but now it’s a bunch of mail men, social workers, teachers, cops. I don’t get it.”
“Well all those people you mentioned work for the government. I work at Columbia High, and they told me and a few other teachers to stay after one day to take a test. It wasn’t like a lot of tests you see given to people. It was a bunch of memory tests and a bunch of questions that had no real connection. We had to answer fifty of them in ten minutes.”
[This message has been edited by ArCHeR (edited July 30, 2004).]
The first is if you are going to be using medical jargon for when he dies that supposes that the people talking are doctors or something. From my limited knowledge of...well whatever I'm drawing this from...in this sort of emergency situation they are very technical and speak in nearly incomplete sentences. Time is of the essence, even if they aren't doctors. "He was running through an alley rambling on about nothing. He came out and collapsed in front of a couple coming home from a movie." Would probably be shorter, like, "The couple who brought him in said he came running out of the alley and collapsed at their feet." Unless the movie thing is important it probably wouldn't be mentioned. (I'm a bit long winded, sorry.)
Second, when he's talking about the test at the end it sort of has the same problem. "given to people" is obvious if it's a test and he probably wouldn't bother to say it. You say "a bunch of" twice in that next sentence and that probably could be combined somehow. The answering fifty in ten minutes just seems random the way it's tacked on to the end of the statement, perhaps try working it in better.
Jon
I think this might be because your dialog is being used as an info dump.
In terms of appeal, this didn't quite grab me. You see, the thing is I'm not really sure what's going on. Yes, you have this test and all that, but so much info thrown at me in such a concentrated fashion is mind-boggling.
Blade Of Words is right, shorter, choppier language, under stress. Only pertinents, as time is definitely a factor.
Oh, and they would probably say "hemoraging from the ears." Maybe, I don't know, I'm not an MD.
WP
Be very nice and most of all, stay out of the way at all times.
If they are busy when you inquire the first time, ask them for a better time to return, if there is a doctor that wouldn't mind helping you.
Or, if you are fortunate enough to have a medical school/teaching hospital close by, try inquiring there for a professor/doctor to help out!
Susan
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0898797411/104-7919263-5284738?v=glance
[This message has been edited by RFLong (edited August 06, 2004).]
I'll try some things... That, or I'll just keep it like that until it's done, and then do all that.
I mean, you are talking to the guy who was going to be in procrastinators annonymous, but I never got around to joining...