Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Change in Itinerary

This is topic Change in Itinerary - 1st 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

I started this while I was on my last cross-country jaunt (see trapped in Dallas) and I'm struggling a little. I'm about halfway or two-thirds of the way through and would really like one or two readers to give me a sense of tone and where they think its going. Ditto on the fragment that I've got here. What are the promises that you think I'm making to the readers?

SF - currently 2100 words.

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Change in Itinerary

As the child in the seat behind him kicked the back of his seat for the umpteenth time, Salvador Nolan gritted his teeth and wished he were flying first class. The plane rocked with turbulence, and somewhere ahead an infant wailed in a monsoon of unending sound. Even with earplugs, the cries crept into his brain pushing out any attempt at intelligent thought. He fought to focus on his lecture notes for the Mutual UFO Network conference.

Why had he agreed to let his publicist book lectures so close together? The one in New York had been barely legitimate; Salvador had not relished lecturing at a Star Trek convention on the patterns of UFO sightings in the contemporary United States to a bunch of social rejects wearing fake pointy ears.

Posted by goatboy (Member # 2062) on :

You can pop it over if you want. May be a couple of days before I can finish, if that's alright.

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Red rover, red rover, send your story right over.

Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :

I'll read. How detailed of a critique do you want. Line by line or general?

Jon

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Nah, no line-by-line. This is still rough draft. I just want reader impressions. I have two endings; the one I planned and another one. I'm torn and getting a general idea of what my reader's think I'm promising them will help me decide which ending to commit to. My tone also keeps wavering; again getting a general response will help me decide which side of the fence to land on.

Even a reaction to this short clip would help. Comments anyone?

I'm sending it off to Phanto and bladeofwords. Goatboy, I'll wait till I have a full draft to send it to you, if that's all right?

Thanks,
MaryRobinette

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

I've always enjoyed your stories, so please send it over in any form.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Well, I'll say that since this is supposed to be SF he should have a close encounter of his own pretty soon. More than that I couldn't say.

The opening does make me eager to find out what happens, though. I like it. By "tone" do you mean you have concerns about how dyspeptic the guy seems?

Anyway, I can read it.

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

I love the opening. I haven't flown, but I've gone cross-country on a bus and, oh, I feel for Nathaniel (and you, BTW...I read Trapped in Dallas).

Send it on over.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Can I? Can I? Can I?

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow....

I got robbed last night right after I sent it to bladeofwords. Or, as I was sending it. Had I not been upstairs to email it, my laptop and I would have been sitting in the dining room when the thief broke in. As it is, my radioactive cat alerted me that there was someone downstairs. They had broken through the screen on my 'security' door and unlocked the door. Took my bike and my purse. (Two puppets and my PDA were in my bike bag. grr.)

I'm going over to a friends house to sit in the garden and finish this story, with a nice frosty adult beverage. I'll send you guys the draft tomorrow if that's allright.

What a week!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Why do criminals never enter my house?

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

You have swords. I have puppets. Which is a better deterrent?

No, wait. Don't answer that.

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited August 04, 2004).]

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

There's only one thing I hate more the misspelled words: Thieves.

Sorry to hear about your plight, Mary. If my PDA were stolen, I'd be devestated: my life is in that thing. (Luckily, it's backed up on my computer.)

Before moving to London, England, I lived in the mostly sleepy town of Hooksett, New Hampshire for four years. My house was kind of remote -- no one drove up my road unless they lived on it. I never needed to lock my door and only did so when I went on vacations.

Here in London, we lock our doors even when we are home. There are some real cheeky bastards here. Our neighbors were burglarized twice in the past six months -- once at 7am while they were getting ready for work.

Bah, thieves!

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited August 04, 2004).]

Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :

quote:
What are the promises that you think I'm making to the readers?

1) Something of great significance will happen on the plane.

2) It will happen soon (else we shall be driven mad by his reactions to the infant!!)

3) It may be an encounter with a UFO (which his apparent job as a UFO lecturer hints at)

Of course with that latter, I have an unfair advantage over the average readers, as I know you have been posting inquiries about close encounters.

BTW, love your description of trekkies! *g*

I also really liked the baby's crying being described as a "monsoon of unending sound". The very description evokes annoyance in me, hearing that non-stop crying in my mind.

I haven't time to read anything else this week, but next week should be better!

Susan

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

Sorry to hear about the robbery! While you were in the house and everything....eek!

I figured you would be sending this story to the group once it was a bit more polished. If that's not true, send it along, if it is, I'll look forward to reading it in group.

Posted by goatboy (Member # 2062) on :

Yikes! B&E while you’re home! Does the fact they took your bike make you suspect kids or teens might have done it?

You can wait until you have a full draft to send it. Just tell me what areas you need me to concentrate on when you send it along.

Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :

From the 13 I get the following:

-Salvador takes UFO's seriously, an academic of the field in some capacity.
-UFO's will play a central role in the following story.
-UFO's probably will come into play during the plane ride, or very shortly thereafter.

It has a UFO's are completely legit tone, contemporary time period.

On a more nit note, I found the "monsoon of unending sound" colorful, but odd and somehow over the top in comparison to the rest.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

What you need is a puppet with a sword.

If you're still in need of readers....

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

A puppet with a sword would help, but only if it could cut to the heart of the matter.

I'm still in need of an ending. Who wants to read the unfinished draft, knowing that you'll be asked to brainstorm on ways to wrap things up? Who would rather wait to read a finished draft?

Thanks!
Mary

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

My brother's the one that's into swords, I prefer...well let's not go into that.

I always brainstorm ideas for wrapping up the story anyway. On the other hand, I'm pretty lazy. But I hate waiting. But then again....

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Too late. I sent it to you before posting that.

Brainstorm away.

No swords? Oh. Just rechecked your website. It was a miniature I was thinking of. Of course, it's not holding a sword either, but at least it's armed.

Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

Hi

sorry to hear about the B&E! Our house got robbed while a builder was working on it - apparently not by the builder - While he was working out front the thieves came in the back. And we're talking about a guy so big his mates called him Shrek!

I'd be willing to brainstorm, if you don't have too many readers already. Looking forward to it.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

quote:
A puppet with a sword would help, but only if it could cut to the heart of the matter.

Or at least a flesh wound, eh?

Unfinished is fine.

Posted by bladeofwords (Member # 2132) on :

That's ridiculous is what that is. B&E while you're sitting there? I haven't checked the thread since I read your story so I didn't know. My sympathies, not much I can say besides that besides the story is definitely worth reading to those who haven't had the chance.

Jon

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

Wow! Sorry to hear about the B&E. Glad to hear you're alright.

I'm willing to take a look, finished or unfinished. I can't promise I'll be much help in the brainstorming, though. My mind's on overload, though it should calm down by this weekend.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Okay! I've got new locks on my house and could concentrate on writing. The added days of stewing, and the feedback from my rough draft readers, helped me come up with an ending. Thank heavens.

I'm sending it out to all of the folks that volunteered. If I've missed your window of available time, no worries. I just appreciate the offer.

Thanks,
Mary