Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Friend or Food

This is topic Friend or Food in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000406

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

2k short story. Fiction. No fantasy/sci-fi. Contains a few profanities, strongest of which being "shit."

Would love any feedback, either on the fragment or preferably on the entire story.

Thanks!

quote:
Tightening the screws in the engine, Tony felt a deep surge of satisfaction. He was almost done. And then he could go home, back to his kids. They were so young and so adorably cute.
But first he would have to stop by the local store and buy food.
The thought made him cringe. With the meager salary he got at the garage, he wouldn't be able to buy much. Just the barest essentials for life. It was hell, looking at his two sons and seeing their ribs. He could even count them.

Posted by goatboy (Member # 2062) on :

I'll look if you want.

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Count me in. I prefer MSWord docs sent as an attachment.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

This is much better. Send it my way, but I'm also going to comment on your fragment.

quote:
They were so young and so adorably cute.

This is something that is true of most small children (though I have seen some ugly ones), try to give us something specific about why he loves his kids. Use their names instead of "They". The sentence isn't working for you as hard as the rest of this fragment.

Posted by punahougirl84 (Member # 1731) on :

I agree, better. I have some comments, but would be happy to put them in the actual story you send...

punahougirl84ATyahooDOTcom