Thud… thud… thud…
Was it the dull thud of my feet hitting the ground, or the blood pounding in my ears? Perhaps it was the tangible force of the sun beating down on my uncovered head and shoulders… or was it raining? At eighteen hours of forced march without food, water or rest, I was in no condition to know the difference. If it was raining, couldn’t I just look upwards and open my mouth? That way I could get a drink at least. I decided to try my theory. I looked up, thrusting my parched, cracked, salty dust-caked lips upward. I was certain I was tasting rainwater. A sudden rush of pain cured me of that misconception – my sudden change of pose caused me to lose my balance, and I fell to the arid ground. I must have bitten my lip. I can taste the sharp tang of blood.
“On your feet, cur!” a harsh, high-pitched voice snarled at me. Another sting of pain told my fatigue-dulled mind that I had been savagely flogged for my weakness. Without a word, I dragged myself to my feet, my mind having shut itself away from the world long ago.
[This message has been edited by MisterRaziel (edited August 12, 2004).]
That said....WOW. I mean, I really did like this opening. I have a couple of nits that I'll get to in a minute but basically you've got me hooked. I want to know what's happening to this guy.
Now to the nits...
" I can taste the sharp tang of blood."
This seems to be a change in tense, from past to present, and it broke me out of the story.
Also, was it raining? The guy said. "Ah, there, water!" but you make it sound like it's not raining in every other line...the arid ground, the cracked lips, the sun beating down. This threw me a bit.
It wasn't raining - I was trying to get across that he was delirious. Not very well, it seems.
I meant it to read that he tilted his face up hoping it was raining, but overbalanced and fell. I'll re-write it so it makes more sense.
Let's try this. You're writing in first person. You're describing events a fairly long time after they occur. In that looking-back sense, it's reasonable to just tell us that you [i.e., your character] were delirious. It's possible to write this in a close POV manner, such that you're reporting on your actual thoughts and stuff, and thus showing the delirium in action. I think that's what you're trying to do. But statements like: "A sudden rush of pain cured me of that misconception" don't fit that attempt.
In other words, some of what you have here is an attempt to show the state of mind of your character at the time, and the rest of it shows the state of mind at the time of writing. They don't mix.
Biggest recommendation? Do this in third person. That will eliminate the "this is me looking back" persona altogether, and let you concentrate on the story as it happens.
Dittos on what rick said, praticularly about the third person POV.
Bytheway, rick. How was your vacation?
So this is a scene taken from somewhere within the story?
OK. I can buy that if it's cut right from the center of something. But if it's the beggining of the story or even if it's the beggining of a scene I'm concerned that it's not the best lead in to something else. Mostly, I think, because of
underdeveloped scene description.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited August 13, 2004).]
I wanted the character to be numb, emotionally dead, without much going on, so that he would be revived a few chapters down the line.
Now, say, if I were to add a prologue as a sort of vague dream sequence showing the sacking of the hero's village and his capture, would that add to the tension? Perhaps elicit some more sympathy if you have an idea of where this guy came from and how good his life was before this chapter?
Some people don't like prologues, but I think they work well for some stories. You could even do the prologue from the antagonists POV, or whomever attacked this village, and show your hero throught their eyes. It gives your bad guy a good setup too, and helps to heighten the tension. Just a thought.
I like your writing style a lot though. That's a more subjective call, but I found it smooth for the most part and easy to read.
It doesn't take a major rewrite to switch from first to third, really it doesn't. It takes a major REVISION....but not a rewrite. You could also switch to third person in chapter 11 and go back and redo chapter 1-10 later. The advantage here is that you keep going and ifnish the rough draft of the story.
quote:
Now, say, if I were to add a prologue as a sort of vague dream sequence showing the sacking of the hero's village and his capture, would that add to the tension? Perhaps elicit some more sympathy if you have an idea of where this guy came from and how good his life was before this chapter?
I don't think you NEED to do that. What if you were to talk about how he struggles not to think about what has happened and what it was like before because that's too painful (so, of course, he does think about it, but only in glimpses that really hurt and that he tries to distract himself from by trying to pay more attention to his current surroundings)?
Oh, and I liked this bit. I think 3rd would be a better choice for this as well. With the 1st person I kept thinking, "well.. he obviously lives, so I wonder when he'll get rescued or escape" instead of what you probably wanted me to think, "what happened to this guy, and will he make it?"
Side question: What is this "Boot Camp"?
If you think you'd be interested in applying for it, keep checking the Hatrack home page for information about the next one (should appear sometime after the first of the year).
I think it's fine as is. Although, like some of the others, I would prefer a pov change to either 3rd person or maybe a style of writing more closer to the character's thoughts--stream of consciousness, maybe. Something to more accurately show his mental condition. But as an opener, it works for me; it shows a situation ripe for change. I'm also biased, since I like reading about slaves in fantasy.
Cya,
CC
One thing to remember, a POV character doesn't need a name as such, only a unique identifier that lets the readers know something about that character. In this case, you have a delirious slave in chains. Using that identifier tells us a lot that any number of "I" "my" and "me" doesn't tell us. First, it tells us that this person doesn't have a name right now. Second, it gives us a distinct reason for that. It also gives us some other information, and you can give us more very easily by using other adjectives and nouns in connection with this character. We can learn sex, age, physical condition, race, all without ever having you tell us that the POV character notices these things. They will simply be what the character is.
As the reader begins to get a clearer conception of who he is, you can go further. Eventually the identifier becomes "the deposed prince" (or whatever) and eventually we get a name (or maybe not, sad endings are okay too).