I am completely rewriting Cycle, this time with a plot. I'm still working on the ending, so I can't send the whole thing yet, but I would like to make sure the beginning is working. Comments are appreciated. Note: there are no males or females per se, so that's why I'm writing in first person and the parent isn't a mother.
At first, I remembered nothing before my birth; just the warm closeness of the womb. I felt the comforting embrace of warmth and water. There was darkness. Rhythmic, small, internal sounds. Then I felt my parent writhe around me, the womb contracting and expanding with the motion.
The space around me filled with sound: the dying shriek of my wounded parent. Its body broke open then, exposing me to harsh light and air, cold after the waters of the womb.
I spilled out in a rush, feeling the etched and corroded backbone of my parent’s body brush against me as I emerged into the world. The sun was casting bright, lethal rays into an enormous valley.
Everywhere the light was, I saw death.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
In terms of writing, this is *very* solid (though I the adjective structure could get weary after several pages). The only issue I have is with the light because it makes no sense whatsoever.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
What do you mean about the light? On this world, the sun's radiation is very strong and corrosive; it kills a generation every dawn. Please clarify the adjective comment, I'm a little confused. Thanks!
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Ditto on the comment about the last line.
But I could take a read. Keep it on the short side--3000 words or as close to that as possible without cutting in the middle of something important.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
The opening might make sense if you read the previous thread I posted, titled Short story-Cycle. This is a completely new retelling of the concept, though I have expanded it greatly. I've only got about 1,500 words so far, though I estimate 7,000 to 10,000 at least for the final version.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Phanto, unless I'm wrong, is referring to the last line. It's confusing. I can't make sense of what it means. Where would the light NOT be?
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Ah, gotcha! How about this instead:
"Everywhere I looked, I saw death."
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
I shouldn't HAVE to read the previous post to make sense out of this. I don't remember the previous post. I don't know if I even responded to it. I was just taking it at face value, which is what a publisher would do.
As is, it's solid, as Phanto said. Very nice. Intriguing. I wanna read more. So send it on over.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Geez, this can get confusing when we're both online at the same time. You have to go back three posts to find the question to the answer to the question....
LOL.
Anyway, I prefer to avoid the word 'looked.' Maybe just:
"The light shone everywhere on death."
Then, of course, the next line would have to qualify that. Which I'm sure it does.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I got the "Everywhere the light was, I saw death," to mean that it was only safe in shadows. "The sun was cast bright, lethal rays ..." seems pretty clear.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
This is so much more engaging than the previous version. Keep it up, I think you've hit the mark.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
Yes, this is much better. I don't mind the first person POV. It sounds like it is working. I would like to read it when you are ready.
Posted by Warrior Poet (Member # 2139) on :
Much better! Send on.
But post to hillcresthomeboy@yahoo.com
Excellent!
WP
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Uh...why doesn't the light kill your character?
How intelligent would a creature need to be in order to be self aware at birth and sophent with a lifespan of a single day (and gestation no longer than that)?
Is there any real point in writing this story in first person?
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Survivor:
The species undergoes a metamorphosis at dusk, after mating. The chemical changes of pregnancy make them vulnerable to the sun's rays. It is the only way for the young to be born, they have no birth canals.
The first person POV is kind of what I have to do, because the characters are both male and female. If I wrote in third person I'd have to say things like: "it flew down to the river. The water felt cold on its skin," etc. and I think that would be distracting to the reader. I wrote a couple pages that way and then changed it, at which point it started working much better for me.
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Note: I am not ready to send it out yet, I'll post when I want more readers. I was just asking about the tone, tense, etc. of the first thirteen lines.
[This message has been edited by autumnmuse (edited August 21, 2004).]
Posted by cicerocat (Member # 2138) on :
Hiya,
Hope you don't mind me calling the narrator "him" ;-) It's just easier for me that way.
~~just the warm closeness of the womb. I felt the comforting embrace of warmth and water. ~~
"warm closeness" and "comforting embrace" sound similar. Maybe cut or rewrite one? Maybe: "birth; just the comforting embrace of warmth and water."
~~filled with sound~~
Maybe a more descriptive verb than filled? Maybe something to imply the opposite of what he had before while in the womb. Also, would he hear the dying sounds of his parent before he leaves the body? I'd also suggest another sound or two to be added to the dying of the parent, that way it seems to fill the air more.
~~Everywhere the light was, I saw death.~~
Very nice line.
Except for a case or two where it seems like he jumps ahead or jumps back in his description (and order) of his birth, this reads nicely and is already interesting because he can remember his birth.
Hope this helps.
Cya, CC
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
Finally got around to looking at Hatrack and saw your re-write (the beginning anyway). I like what you've posted. When you finish the rest, please let me know. I'd love to read it.
Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :
I personally don't find the last line confusing; I expect an explanation to come along sooner or later, which I expect happens in the next few lines. it's actually a pretty good hook. I unfortunately don't have time right now for a crit, but if in two weeks' time you still need a reader, you can count me in.
Keep it up, I think you've hit the mark.