As required, here is the first 13 of Olympus.

Kyros threaded his was through the forest at dawn. He was careful to step heel to toe in his soft leather boots, taking care to walk where there wasn’t dry leaves and fallen branches. He had to move low lying branches out of his way. For most of his life he’d hunted in these woods. He was following a particular path that led to his favorite hunting area.

The forest was waking up; birds began to sing, chirp, and whistle. Insects were buzzing, making the air vibrate, and the larger animals started searching for food. Whippoorwills cried out in the morning air to announce that they’d joined the day. Kyros swatted at a few persistent flies that were drawn to his odor; he hoped birds would come and eat the pests that irritated him before he gave himself away. He wore a combination of plant oils and deer urine to mask his own scent. The sounds of the forest assured Kyros that he’d arrived at the most opportune time. He knew that deer were out, snorting and announcing their presence. The sound of snapping limbs, deep throated snorts, and crunching leaf litter brought him back from taking in the cool, crisp, humid air of the morning.

Kyros watched excitedly as fifteen deer came out from the dense vegetation of the forest and into the little clearing that he knew they grazed in every morning. The largest stag took up a defensive posture in front of the herd.

If anyone wants it, just ask and I'll send away. I can take the critiques, just be as honest as possible.

Thanks again.

-BHJr-

[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited September 07, 2004).]
 

You have a few errors in this bit, they seem worse because the sentances already don't really flow into each other. The scent masking technique you have Kyros using seems a bit out of place, before the invention of daily bathing and deodorant such things would have been a lot more trouble than they'd be worth, as in completely ineffective except for the purpose of attracting bugs (probably not so much flies, though).
 

It won't take too much to clean it up, but I like that you said not too many errors. I have seen that you can be pretty tough with some of these.

If you want it, I'll send it.

-Bryan-
 

Sorry, I'm not in a position to read, but I can't tell you how much you're improving. I read the first draft for you, remember? I think it's admirable that you're working so hard to accomplish this goal.

Keep at it!
 

I'm also kind of stuck as which way to go with this thing. I'm thinking of a journal type entry " Day 1" then go on with the story.

What do you guys think? I could use some feedback.

Thanks
-Bryan-
 

I have begun to rewrite this thing for the 4th time I think. But I should be posting the first 13 lines here in another week or so.

Be on the lookout for it.

-Bryan-