Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Sister of Betrayal

This is topic Sister of Betrayal in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

I'm looking for critiques of the opening (like around 5,000 words), though anyone who's willing to slog through more would be appreciated.

Also, just a critique/analysis of the first 13 lines would be great.

quote:

May had left Jijan for many reasons, but the simplest was to escape the dying. The precisely annual death of another family member could not be explained by coincidence -- it had already happened three times before she couldn't take anymore.
In Yithmen, things were different. Happy, for a change. Peaceful. And no deaths.
Of course, May always feared it would be taken away from her. Everything was fine during the day; at night, she would be seized by horrible nightmares. Sometimes she would wake up crying, sometimes she would wake up yelling. And sometimes she would wake up sure that it was her turn, that she was about to die. Then she would lie still for hours, repeating to herself that it was alright.
But depite the nightmares, life was good and she was happy. Her lifelong wish of becoming a cook had materialized. The job, besides for being everything she could want, also supported her well. She was saving the extra money. When the right man came along, their children would be taken care of.

Thanks for your time!

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited September 08, 2004).]

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

Hi Phanto,

I feel like I'm going to be beating you up a bit here, but not to worry, I have only the best intentions. Truly.

I like the third paragraph a lot. I think it's good character development. We see a woman who is plagued by nightmares and comforts herself through it all. It leads me to want to know what has happened to her.

But...

The rest didn't really work for me. Sorry.

" [...] the dying." seems a bit awkward. I think I understand your context, but I had to wonder if it wouldn't be better to include something like: "[...] all the dying." or similar thing. It just seemed a bit off.

The second sentence of the first paragraph also seems a bit odd with "precisely annual", but this may be my preference getting in the way. Would it not be better served if it were slightly reworded to make it flow more naturally? Such as: "The death of a another family member, which was precisely one year to the day of the last, could not be explained away as coincidence." Then again, what family member was it?

There are other things... like your intro feels more like a flashback w/ info dump attached... but I can't say for sure that's the case. My head is a bit foggy today.

Anyway... see what others say...

Best of luck,

HSO

[This message has been edited by HSO (edited September 08, 2004).]

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

This does feel like a recap of what's going on, but I didn't mind so much. The thing about the info dump is that it's not always bad, IMO. You can't just dump on for pages with no forward action, but this intro feels like you're setting the stage rather than dumping information. The action had better start in the next paragraph, it might have been better to start it in the last one you have here, but basically I'm ok with this. In a few short paragraphs you've told us who May is and what her problem is.

The only problem I had with this intro is just my wondering what about the rest of her family? Isn't one of them going to up and die?

Send it along if you'd like, although I might be a few days in getting you a response.

Posted by cicerocat (Member # 2138) on :

Nice opening line, and I like the second paragraph.

quote:
The precisely annual death of another family member

The "precisely" threw me. Maybe cut that word out? I don't think it's really needed, or if it is, describing what is precise would be a better, more clear, word choice--even if it does add more words.

quote:
besides for being everything she could want,

This part also threw me. Maybe it's the "for".

Hope that helps.

Cya,
CC

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Thanks for the feedback. Christine is correct; it immediatly jumps into action the next sentence.

In fact, I hadn't put it because I thought it would exceed the 13 line rule, but now it seems otherwise, looking at the quote. Ergo, I will.

quote:

May had left Jijan for many reasons, but the simplest was to escape the dying. The annual death of a family member could not be explained by coincidence -- it had already happened three years straight, each time on the same day, before she couldn't take anymore.

In Yithmen, things were different. Happy, for a change. Peaceful. And no deaths.
Of course, May always feared it would be taken away from her. Everything was fine during the day; at night, she would be seized by horrible nightmares. Sometimes she would wake up crying, sometimes she would wake up yelling. And sometimes she would wake up sure that it was her turn, that she was about to die. Then she would lie still for hours, repeating to herself that it was alright.
But depite the nightmares, life was good and she was happy. Her lifelong wish of becoming a cook had materialized. The job, besides for being everything she wanted, also supported her well. She was saving the extra money. When the right man came along, their children would be taken care of.
Then, late one night, someone knocked gently on the door to her house.

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited September 08, 2004).]

Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :

"annual death" is awkward. And I'm left wondering how they are dying. How is she so sure it isn't a coincidence? What is happening to her family now that she is gone? This is what I'm really curious about as a reader, not that she is a cook (I would favor moving most of the information of the cook paragraph elsewhere. It does not seem immediately relevant.)

Nice touch with paragraphs 2 & 3

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Hmmm...I'll postpone comment on this opening. It is very plot-summaryish, which I usually think can be fixed with a bit of judicious analysis of where your story really begins.

Christine may occasionally overstate the latitude that editors will give you on your opening, but even so, I think that she's right in this case. This opening won't necessarily get your story tossed.

And I'd like to see the 5000 you've got so far. This version looks like a substantial change from the previous versions I've seen.

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Hmmmm....

As much as I don't want to do it, Survivor is right. The story starts earlier, when May finds her mom dead.

I wish I didn't have to put that in because there is already endless pain for her, but if that's what the story demands, then so be it.

Sorry to all who bravely volunteered their efforts; I must go back, and write another couple thousand words!

Onwards to glory!