If you would like to read the rewrite and had previously read the first draft, here is what I would like to know.
-Has it improved? If not, how can I improve it?
-Is something that I added confusing? Badly written? Out of place?
-Is there something from the first draft that I should have kept and didn't?
-Do you have a clearer sense of what's going on?
-Does the last part add to or subtract from the overall effect?
If you're reading it for the first time, here's what I'm looking for:
-Do you have a clear idea of what's going on?
-Does anything in the writing jump out at you that should be fixed?
-Is the overall tone appropriate?
-Any other comment that occurs to you while you read
Here are the first thirteen lines (according to my wp software). Thanks for your time!
I can’t believe how much I ache for the memory of what really happened in the last few days before my death. But it’s gone. Forever. I stole it from myself a long time ago. Please don’t ask me how long; there’s no way for me to know. I still don’t even know if I’ve died. I hope so, for her sake. I’m not afraid now; just ashamed. And cold.
It would have been her hair, I’ve decided. Something about her would have had to draw my attention in the first place. It must have been her hair that I first noticed if she hadn’t crashed into me, knocking both of us out of the vein of the causeway and into the doorway of the cheap poster shop.
The impact knocked my meeting schedule out of my head, but I bit back a stream of half-hearted curses when I saw she wasn’t a tourist. Her clothes were modest, and her face unobtrusively beautiful. That hair, though…it blazed even brighter than the fire that was consuming the café and shops across the street. Another bombing. Three in one week. Whenever I walked on the Main, I half expected the world to explode in fire and sound.
Anyway, I could read it again, I think I remember your prose as being quite good.
Mostly because I came to an abrupt halt when I read:
quote:
That hair, though…it blazed even brighter than the fire that was consuming the café and shops across the street.
I couldn’t get past that sentence without reading it several times. Thinking all the while, “Did I miss something in the first two paragraphs? When did stuff start burning?”
When I teach my self-defense classes, I always tell people to shout “Fire” instead of “Help” when they are being attacked. One of the reasons for this is because people almost always stop to look at a fire.
People would probably be even more interested in a bombing, there might be both blood and fire to see. No matter how many others there have been they will have some immediate reaction. They will either stop and give it their full attention, run in a panic, or if nothing else, they will freeze in shock. It is human nature, just like rubber-necking at an accident scene.
I'm confused because this character is mentioning it in such a matter-of-fact manner.
No matter how many bombings there have been, most people would not just shrug it off as mundane.
Also, rule number one of self-defense, or even urban survival, is to be aware of your surroundings at all times, especially when you are in a dangerous area. So now I’m wondering - What person, knowing there could be a bombing, would be so unaware of their surroundings that they don’t see a person about to walk into them?
Which leads me to think that she crashed into him because of the bomb’s force. In that case, if that kind of action is occurring, make sure we can see it. When a bomb goes off, it probably should be described in some fashion. Right now, other than the mention of the burning buildings and the off-hand remark about bombings, it just seems like two people who bumped into each other.
Maybe reading more will help me see what is going on. I have time to look it over if you are interested in sending it.
[This message has been edited by NewsBys (edited September 09, 2004).]
Of course, the best part was this.
quote:
People would probably be even more interested in a bombing, there might be both blood and fire to see.