Got a really short story, 1100 ish words, that I just wrote tonight in about two hours and now I'm looking around going, and now what? So the answer was...get some opinions. So here's the first 13 lines, feel free to comment on them or volunteer to read the whole thing.
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Martha refused to take the steaming goblet of poison her daughter, Kay, offered her. Did Kay think her a fool? Did she really expect Martha to believe that she offered comfort and healing?
“Take it, Mom,” Kay said. “It will make you feel better.”
Martha took the goblet in her gnarled, shaky hands, started to bring it to her lips to drink, and then threw it to the ground. The liquid continued to steam as it bubbled its way into the thick shag carpet, leaving a red stain on the purple rug.
“Mom!”
Martha started to answer, but fell into a violent coughing fit that rendered her speechless.
“What’s going on here?” Martha’s middle daughter, Sydney, asked as she entered the room. Lily, the youngest daughter, was on her heels.
Posted by Edmund (Member # 2044) on :
Send me the whole thing. I'd rather crit the whole thing than just a couple of lines.
My only reaction to your opening was slightly incredulous, since the first thing you say is that she refused to take the goblet ("The flagon with the dragon has the brew that is true; the pellet with the poison is in the chalise with the palace..." If you're an old (and I do mean OLD) movie fan you'll know what I mean...)
Man, can I digress or can I digress?
Anyway, she refuses to take it, daughter say take it, she takes it. Boom, boom , boom. Feels contradictory. Why did she take it anyway, even if she beleives it's poisoned? Why did she pretend she was going to drink it? You're not fooling the reader into thinking she's going to drink it, so why?
Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :
I, on the other hand, found it to be totally believable. The actions of the character Martha are wholly consistent with those of an elderly person with Dementia or Alzheimers, for instance.
I find it harder to believe that a purple rug would show a red stain very well, though, unless the rug is actually lavender? Purple! What a colour for a rug!
A short short is just what I need to get back into the swing of crits. I'd be honoured to read your story, Christine.
Susan
Posted by Whitney (Member # 2176) on :
No immediate comments other than I'd like to try the rest of the story, if I may. The beginning definately peaked my interest.
I love old Danny Kay movies!!
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
I was under the impression that they broke the chalice from the palace and replaced it with the flagon with the dragon...or was that the vessel with the pestle? It's been a while.
You've hit on my childhood movie, btw!
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Great movie, loved it since I was quite wee. I haven't seen a movie show a baby's bum quite so many times as that one does either. For those who don't get the reference, it is "The Court Jester" (I think that was the name) and well worth renting.
As far as the story, I am assuming this is fantasy. It might be nice if there was a bit more info about setting; i.e. is this kind of a Sixth Sense-ish poisoning, modern day, or more of a traditional witchy brew?
I'll give it a read.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Ooops...I usually remember to mention the genre. I guess I figured this one spoke for itself...it IS fantasy. It's also set in modern times, not that there's much to cue anyone in to that until later in the story and frankly, it doesn't have to be, I just wanted it now.
I've never heard of the movie of which you speak.I'll get you guys a copy of the story as soon as I get it off my laptop. Thanks for volunteering.
Posted by Edmund (Member # 2044) on :
Autumnmuse is right: The Court Jester. A really fun and funny movie from a different era.
I read your story and e-mailed some very basic comments to you. Since you know you're rewriting, I kept the comments high level. No point in nitpicking word choices at this time.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'm always up to read one of yours, Christine. Well, not always, but usually...which includes this time!
Danny Kaye...is there anything he can't do?
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
Unfortunately, there are a lot of things he can't do now...... Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
My theory is that the reason Peter Jackson didn't do Tom Bombadil in his movies of LORD OF THE RINGS is that Danny Kaye was around to play the part.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Now that is a mind blowing thought.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Oops! I meant Danny Kaye WASN'T around.
<sigh!>
Usually I reread my posts before posting them. I was in a hurry that time.
Posted by Edmund (Member # 2044) on :
Yeah, but even just the thought makes me smile...
Posted by autumnmuse (Member # 2136) on :
Christine, I'm sorry I'm taking so long on your critique. I read your story, but haven't had time to comment. I'll try to do it Tuesday night.
