Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Man Without Dreams (A New Opening)

This is topic The Man Without Dreams (A New Opening) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

My grandfather taught me many life lessons. Once, in my know-it-all youth, I declared that individuals own their fate. He agreed up to a point. A few, he said, are marked from the very start. And for those, Murphy’s Law wears iron boots. I never understood what he meant until the day of his funeral, when the iron boots came a kicking.

A cold rain poured upon the mountaintop graveyard and refused to let up. Drenched, my six cousins and I carried grandpa to his final resting place. Each step sunk our Sunday-best shoes deeper in the mud. Little by little we approached the shelter of a blue tent, a promised reprieve from the miserable weather.

Of the grandchildren, I am by far the oldest, the shortest, and the heaviest. They did their best, bless them, nevertheless their young arms assigned me the lion’s share of the load. We set the casket in its place and stood, as instructed, near the edge of the tent. Pall-bearer’s row, I called it.
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Probably five lines too long. Sorry. I did not want to end mid-thought. As always, a search for a better more refined opening... an all important task...

Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :

Really good: Much tighter and purposeful. My melodramameter did not go off at all! It knows where it's going. First sentence tripped me--a little vague. Rather, state that the most important specific life lesson was taught by his grandfather, and say what it was. "Many life lessons" is too general.

You had something more specific in #2 version:

quote:
Grandpa said that when it comes to fate, there are two groups of people. Most own their own fate. Only a few are marked from the very start. And for those, Murphy's Law wears iron boots.

While it needed a more careful and unmistakable presentation, I confess I liked it better than #3's first sentence. Just a thought, but instead of saying that Grandpa said it, just say it as the first sentence like it's a statement of fact:

There are two groups of people in this world. Most own their own fate. Murphy's Law wears iron boots for the rest.

Something like that.

Send me the rest if you like.

[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 04, 2004).]

[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 05, 2004).]

Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

Thanks. I have'nt began to rework it.

Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

<<Just a thought, but instead of saying that Grandpa said it, just say it as the first sentence like it's a statement of fact>>

I'll mull that over. I guess my reasoning was I wanted the grandparent to do more then be dead in first chapter. Plus, if the reader pieces it together, they can see a certain irony in that the grandfather said this.

Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :

Certainly. Let us know that Grandpa said it. There's no reason why that has to be done immediately. Consider letting the first words of a first-person POV story belong to that first person. After all, it's an introduction of sorts: we're meeting our narrator and the most important character of the story. First impressions count. If Scott has internalized that truth from his grandfather, he would say it as if it were coming from within, because he believes it. In this way, the grandfather lives on through Scott and continues to be a mentor to him.

Perhaps the idea behind that phrase can even keep cropping up later, when Scott meets a person who definitely belongs to one group or the other. Then Scott has something specific and concrete to have this thought about, and we get a sense of the connection he had with his grandfather.

There's a scene that was cut from Pulp Fiction, where Uma Thurman tells John Travolta there are two kinds of people in this world: Elvis people, and Beatles people. But then they never say what kind of people they are! Considering the restaurant they go to, they're definitely Elvis people. It's a wonderful example of showing vs. telling. As I watched the rest of the movie, I found myself "marking" all the characters as Beatles people or Elvis people (maybe that's why it was cut).

Anyway, my point on this is that in your story, when Scott meets someone, he puts them in one group or the other. The reader will be doing the same thing. Sometimes you should reveal what group Scott puts them in, and sometimes let the reader do it. If you want to deal with themes of fate, will, or destiny, this may be a useful tool to use once in a while throughout your story to help it cohere.

Again, just a thought. Like Beavis with a flickering, dim Christmas bulb over his head.

[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited October 05, 2004).]

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

Wow. I like that opening. You have me hooked. I also vote that you give grandpa the credit for the statements indicated. It made me feel more sympathetic towards grandpa and the narrator.

Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

I guess the subtext of the story is that the protagonist, who as a youth had had the callous attiude that people 'get what they deserve' (ie Group A) as a youth, discovers himself in Group B.

No matter what he does, no matter how much he wants to control his own fate, he finds he never had a say in it. In fact, protagonist becomes a case study in Group B.