Thank you all so much. I think the fact that I was starting at the chronological end of the story caused most of the problems you noted. I rewrote the beginning, this time starting at the chronological start. Here's what the first 13 look like, and I'd be happy to send more to whoever wants to read it:
“You probably think that I’m hurting you because I’m a bad person,” I said. I unleashed a backhanded blow across the intruder’s face. The force of the blow rocked the chair to which he was bound back onto two legs. I grabbed his collar to keep him from falling over. I had split his lip, and the new stream of blood joined the river already pouring from his broken nose. Blood also flowed from the burst knuckles inside of my leather gloves. “Truth is, I don’t like doing this much at all.” The intruder snarled a curse, then spit blood-flecked saliva in my face. My ski mask caught most of it, but I could feel some of the fluid run down my chin. He must’ve aimed at the mouth opening. The intruder’s bravado was a good sign. Bravado meant fear. I curled my hands into fists to flex my sore knuckles. The intruder flinched. “I’m not going to hit you again,” I said. “That would be inefficient. I might break my hand."
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
<You probably think that I’m hurting you because I’m a bad person,” I said.>
Opening with dialog might not always be best.
<The force of the blow rocked the chair to which he was bound back onto two legs.>
This sentence does not flow as well. If we could somehow previously understand that the intruder was bound to the chair, it would sound better as: The force of the blow rocked the chair back onto two legs.
This is good, though graphic, imagery. Still the story seems to start a bit too late. The situation might need defining a little bit more to set up this scene.
Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :
Volunteers to read about 350 more lines of this? I'd really like a critique of the rest of the first chapter, if anyone has the time.
[This message has been edited by J (edited October 19, 2004).]
Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :
Anyone . . .?
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I'm sorry J, I know it sucks when no one offers to read your work. I used to volunteer to read everything, but now I tend to just read things that are in a genre that would appeal to me if I weren't critiquing it. The first thirteen lines are very violent, and your POV character is not someone that I connected with so I didn't offer to look at the rest. I'll check in again next week and if no one has offered to take a look then I'll volunteer.
Don't worry, this doesn't mean that your writing is bad; it just means that I'm squeamish.
Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :
Thanks for the encouragement.
The 13-line limitation makes for a misleading presentation--it's not a violent story, it just begins and ends with violent episodes.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
You might want to reconsider beginning that way, then! I was interested in reading when the beginning was standing among corpses wondering what happened, but the violent beginning gave me a totally different impression of what the story was, and I wasn't interested in reading that story.
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
Send it over and I'll take a look.
The first-person POV feels a bit odd, and I'm not sure I feel any real connection to either of these characters, but I'll read the first chapter and give you some feedback on the whole.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
Send it to me. d g + writing
at
hot + mail.com
Please ignore spaces. It reads Xwriting@hotmail.com, but X is replaced by dg.
Thanks!
Posted by opus_81a (Member # 2202) on :
I'll read it, if you like. I'm kind of intrigued by this character who claims to not enjoy the inflicting he's dishing out while obviously being so good at it. And why is the guy tied to the chair getting beat up the 'intruder', if the guy with the upper hand and wearing a ski mask is doing the punching? Hmm...
Just give me a few days if you send it, though - I'm going to be out of town and computer deprived over the weekend.