Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Panning For Bigfoot : Draft One

This is topic Panning For Bigfoot : Draft One in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

OK, I finally whipped out a first draft. I did not incorporate everything suggested in the first 13 lines yet. I hope the reader, like the character is able to extroplate information, without me spelling out everything.

I believe this is what OSC calls a milieu story, or maybe an idea story. Genre: light science fiction.

Oh, I should say too, the don't expect the ending to be a suprise to the reader, even though it is to the character. Not much of a plot twist. I believed everyone could see it coming...
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I stared at the map for hours. Plastic thumbtacks designated the position of each sighting, their colors revealed the timeframe. A puzzle. A confounding puzzle. And then the pattern hit me.

By penciling lines between sightings, I found they formed layers of approximate semicircles. I extrapolated backwards, drawing lines which intersected at a remote coastal area. It indicated a sudden exodus, four weeks previous.

I swiveled my chair to face the computer screen. I combed all news events involving Canada’s Pacific coast. It did not take me long to find the article detailing the June 4th earthquake. The epicenter occurred— not too far from the area I had pinpointed.

[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited October 19, 2004).]

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

Well, if the ending is forseeable, then it isn't an idea story -- that is based on a Big Reveal at the end.

I'm not convinced that it's Milieu, either, since it seems you're using a pretty ordinary world. Your story isn't about the exploration and discovery of our own world, is it? I hope not.

At any rate, I think this is a lukewarm opening. I mean, it is written well. I have no complaints about your Voice. It just didn't grip me (sorry I missed your previous entry). It actually might be because of your intro, though.

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

I agree. The whole tracing-lines-between-the-thumbtacks-on-a-map-to-reveal-a-visibly-obvious-pattern thing is a bit stale. If the POV character used a more innovative technique, you would reap a double benefit--a more imaginiative (rounder) character and a more interesting beginning.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It's milieu if the guy is going to go explore this other setting, which is what this opening sets up.

Really, I think that this may simply be starting in the wrong place. Go ahead and send me your first draft, and I'll let you know.

Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :

Perhaps if you backed up a bit and told the story from an earlier point moving forward in "real time," it would be more engrossing for the reader, who gets to perceive and puzzle the mystery of the story's events along with the POV character (think Dan Brown/DaVinci Code, but without all the cliched descriptions).