Yet the sound of steps remains. He is paralyzed in fear until he observes that it is merely a stiff breeze pushing dead leaves. He watches as the leave scuffle along the ground at regular intervals. He laughs, to relieve tension and anxiety, not because he finds humor in it.
He matches his footsteps to the beat of dead leaves through a forest that does not care. He senses a destination beckoning him and heeds its perilous call.
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A dark evening sky gives little light to the musty forest. He walks among trees ancient and ominous.
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He hears what he takes for footsteps behind him, turns and sees nothing.
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He laughs, to relieve tension and anxiety, not because he finds humor in it.
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He matches his footsteps to the beat of dead leaves through a forest that does not care. He senses a destination beckoning him and heeds its perilous call.
I think this could be a really great scene; it has classically great spooky elements in it that never fail in story after story (at least for me, anyway). Keep working on it, and you'll have a nice little gem.
He is paralyzed in fear until he observes that it is merely a stiff breeze pushing dead leaves.
Remove the 'He is' -- Paralyzed in fear, he observes that it . . .
Look for other places where you can change the pattern so it is not so repetitive.
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I know this sounds picky, but the sky is not a source of light.
Whoa, Magic! I beg to differ.
Before the sun rises or as it is setting, a cloudy sky can reflect or diffuse sunlight and serve (briefly) as a source of light. I see that almost every morning as I play catch with my sons before they get on the bus.
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A dark evening sky gives little light to the musty forest. He walks among trees ancient and ominous. Moonlight reveals brown leaves rattling as the wind passes through them.
And isn't Chris making it clear that it is the moonlight that is lighting the scene? I think I would be more concerned about stating the obvious; a dark sky gives little light. This is a null sentence that is not really necessary to move the scene forward, UNLESS it is important that it is evening.
I guess that is kind a the problem with me posting 13 lines from the middle of a chapter.
I am hoping the reader is able to gauge this before this shift. The POV character is watching the story unfold from two points of view, from himself, and on another level from outside himself.
On one level he has no idea what is about to happen, on another level he has premonitions of what is in store for him.
On one level it is a dream, but then in this story, dreams are simply temporary planes of existance, so it's very real.
The pronoun problem stems from that, during this section, the character does not know his own name.
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Comma after "turns."
I disagree with this advice. The sentence in question is a list of three actions, therefore the comma is optional and entirely a matter of personal (and/or editorial) preference.
Other than that, what everyone else said.
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The pronoun problem stems from that, during this section, the character does not know his own name.
You could let him have a descriptive one of some kind, even if it's just "the man".
If you publish the story, you'll put the comma where your editor tells you to!
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited October 21, 2004).]