<START SUBMISSION>
Nick hates everyone, I think as he pours himself another scotch. He offers me one, but I tell him, for the tenth time, it would be silly. The ancient recliner creaks as he shrugs and leans back to get a better look at the television. I want to say something, but it’s a lost cause.
He keeps me in front of the couch opposite him. The damn thing feels like a tweed coat stuffed with sawdust anyway. The rest of the apartment looks worn out. Dust and old cigarette smoke taints the air and coats the walls. Furniture, forced to servitude well after retirement, clutters and breaks up the living space. The beaten, rotting soul in the recliner completes the scene. Nick mumbles something else about a show, but I’m not paying attention. I stopped wasting my life on this pathetic loser a long time ago.
So we just sit there staring at the flickering god of the brainless, pretending this isn’t just like old times.
<END SUBMISSION>
Thanks!
[This message has been edited by Braddock (edited October 20, 2004).]
This sounds like it's going somewhere interesting, but I'm not going to volunteer to read the whole thing until I have a chance to gauge how committed you're going to be to the give-and-take that makes this site as great as it is. Unfortunately we come across that ocassional annoyance who takes much more than he/she gives. I'm sure you won't be one of those.
For now, I hope it's enough that I comment on your first thirteen lines.
First, I feel like your POV is awkward. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's the language used by your narrator. But I wonder if it might work better in 3rd person.
Second, your narrator says:
quote:
I stopped wasting my life on this pathetic loser a long time ago.
Third:
quote:
He offers me one, but I tell him, for the tenth time, it would be silly.
Fourth, there are a few places where I'm not sure about placement of things. Like: "...leans back to get a better look at the television." He leans BACK to see the TV better? Really? And: "He keeps me in front of the couch..." So the narrator isn't ON the couch? Is he on the floor in front of the couch? Is he standing? Is the couch a forbidden zone or something?
LOVE the last line. Very nice. Overall, language is a pleasure to read. Good luck and I look forward to a healthy repartee with you in future.
But from the first few paragraphs, I can see that you writer very well. In fact, if you have other stories in the future written in a different tense/POV I would probably be willing to give them a try just for the language. The thing about langugae is you can't help someone fix it. I know, I've tried. That's something that a person has to do on his/her own from reading, writing a lot, and sometimes even just getting a command of grammar.
I liked your first sentence. Hatred is a strong emotion. I didn't understand why he thought taking the scotch would be silly. I LOVED the last sentence...about the flickering God of the brainless. Very nice. I would change one word in that sentence..."there" to "here". I think the "here" makes more sense in this particular point of view and may be part of Dakota's problem.
The only other suggestion I have, and I am entirely hesitant about giving this one, is that the second paragraph almost loses me. I'm not sure why. It does set the scene very nicely, give us a bit of atmosphere, but it seems forced, almost unrealistic for a first person present point of view. Given that everything that happens is something the POV character is thinking or doing, it just doesn't fit. I wonder if there's some more active way you can give this setting? Maybe as Nick fills up his scotch glass he walks back through the haze of dust and cigarette smoke and then sits down on the broken recliner. (And you insert your much more descriptive words in here, I'm just giving an example, not trying to write it for you. )
Hope this helps and welcoe to hatrack!
Christine, I have several other stories that are in third person and first person past tense that I may try and post after I really get my hands around this and work through some of the other submissions out there.
<Sorry djvdakota...the next comment was meant for you, but I forgot to put your name above it originally>
I agree with your comments on fine tuning this POV ("there" to "here", "silly", am I standing or sitting, etc...). And that comment about wasting time...yep that sentence, especially in the beginning, makes me not want to move on... Thanks! I welcome any other comments anyone has.
[This message has been edited by Braddock (edited October 21, 2004).]
I'm new as well, so I don't know how useful my feedback will be as yet, but I'd be happy to read it, if you like. Word doc preferably, but rtf is fine. I like style quite a bit, and just how much vivid description you manage to squeeze into 13 lines; I am definitely there in the apartment. I esp. like:
quote:
Furniture, forced to servitude well after retirement, clutters and breaks up the living space. The beaten, rotting soul in the recliner completes the scene.
The two sentences I have a problem with:
"He keeps me in front of the couch opposite him", as has been mentioned, makes no sense whatsoever IMO.
And, "The damn thing feels like a tweed coat stuffed with sawdust anyway." I like the analogy, but I had to read it twice before I got it, because of the syntax. As in, oh - you aren't sitting on the couch, but you don't want to be anyway, because it feels like a tweed coat...
"I stopped wasting time..." also rang false to me as well, since we obviously are spending time with this person.
Good job so far!
By the way, Snowman, thanks for the great comments you sent!