Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Panning For Bigfoot (Without the Prologue)

This is topic Panning For Bigfoot (Without the Prologue) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

As one helpful reader pointed out, it might be better if I skip the intro altogether.
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In the remote Canadian wilderness I pursued a dream. And let me tell you, it stunk. I arrived expecting to find evidence of an abandoned lair. My nose told me I found more than I had hoped. The jackpot, Bigfoot himself. I held my breath as long as I could. I knew Sasquatch emitted foul odors. But until then, I knew nothing.

Before me a barrier of sand held back the ocean. The remains of a crumbled wall lay along the beach. Dark green moss covered the broken hewn rocks. Beyond that, a rocky ravine led between two mountains. A high tide sometimes inundated it, as shown by the litter of seaweed and driftwood.

Posted by opus_81a (Member # 2202) on :

I liked this much better.

It's much clearer and throws you right into the action. The first paragraph is very good; the only thing that stood out was

quote:
I knew Sasquatch emitted foul odors. But until then, I knew nothing.

It seems to me as if there's an issue with the tense there that makes that last sentence awkward.

quote:
Dark green moss covered the broken hewn rocks.

This was the only other sentence that stood out, in part because you use rocky in the next sentence, and in part because it's a bit sing-songy.

[This message has been edited by opus_81a (edited October 22, 2004).]

Posted by Jules (Member # 1658) on :

"I knew Sasquatch emitted foul odors. But until then, I knew nothing."

Yeah, there's definitely a problem here. I'm not even entirely sure I understand what you're saying: I think you mean "I had known in advance that Sasquatch emitted foul odors, but until I entered the lair I hadn't realised how bad," which makes more sense than the first way I interpreted it which was "I discovered then that Sasquatch emitted foul odors. Before that, I hadn't know anything about it."

I'd say the second paragraph has too many adjectives, some of which are redundant. I'd use either broken or hewn, not both, and my image of a ravine is naturally rocky anyway, I don't know about everyone else.

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

quote:
I knew Sasquatch emitted foul odors. But until then, I knew nothing.

Sounds to me like Chris is trying to foreshadow the story here. I read it to mean something more like "I knew some things about Sasquatch, but until I was face to face with it, I didn't _really_ know them. How could I?"

Posted by Michaelpfs (Member # 2209) on :

I liked this version of your story much better than the prologue I read a few days ago.

While the hook you had in the first one involving the woman who hit the narrator and then left (I can't remember the names, sorry) made me want to read more, this second version is far more intriguing.

The bigfoot legend is a fun story and I think you may be onto something unique.

I agree that there are a few tense issues, but they've been mentioned already so I'll skip that.

The image that you paint in the second paragraph is outstanding in my opinion. I like the repetion and alliteration of rocky ravine. I makes the place sound forboding. I can't help but read this as foreshadow.

I'd be more than happy to look at the rest if you need readers.