Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Wolf's Sister

This is topic The Wolf's Sister - readers needed in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000515

Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

Hi all

I've been going through some old stuff. This is a fantasy (not terribly) short story of 17k words. Readers are needed so let me know if you can take a look.

Thanks
R

quote:

Of course, Shan reflected later on, if he’d had any sense he would have left her there in the wreckage of the carriage. He would have turned away and kept on walking and would never have become involved in the politics and vagaries of the Holters’ world.
But Shan’ith Al-Fallion was not a man who could abandon anyone in trouble. Evidence was given in the form of the once starving wolf cub who was now grown into the silver beast padding at his side. Her breath misted the air, her eyes dubious as to his intent, standing there, staring at the shattered contraption of men.
"Hush Anala," he said on a breath. "I’ll just take a look. That’s all."
They were all dead but for the girl and she wouldn’t be long in joining them. He could see the marks of the Snow Child in her lips and her skin. As he approached warily, she never moved. The body of a second girl had been thrown over her, pinning her down. This one was dead, her neck twisted at an unnatural angle.

[This message has been edited by RFLong (edited October 27, 2004).]

Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :

I would be happy to read it. Please send.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Sure, I'll take a look.

That middle paragraph feels like a break away from the main action, though. And the first line is terrible, "Of course," and "later on," just don't do a first line any favors. The third paragraph illustrates "early RFL" as well, it lacks clarity in places.

But I'm guessing that if this is an older work you're more interested in why the story as a whole hasn't stayed on top of your "to do" list. So I'll concentrate on that.

Posted by Snowman (Member # 2204) on :

Sure I'll have a look. Will try to get comments back to you sometime early next week.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

I'll have a look.

Posted by Castaway (Member # 2201) on :

I am new at this but I would love to read it for you.

Posted by RunningBish (Member # 2210) on :

I'd like to have a look if you're willing to send it over, it sounds good.

Posted by RFLong (Member # 1923) on :

Thanks all. The more the merrier!

It's on the way.

Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :

Sounds interesting. If you need another reader, send it over.