I have made a few minor adjustments to the first thirteen lines of the story.Any further comments would be gladly appreciated.
Tittle flittered from one flower to the next. He was restless and looking for mischief. The breeze caught the edge of one of his wings, lifted him up a little and dropped him right down the tube of a Bugle Lilly. Tumbling over and over, he plummeted down between the pollen sacs and finally rolling down a gentle slope, he landed right into a puddle of sticky syrup. He pulled himself free and vainly tried to scrape the tacky liquid off his delicate wings. As he busied himself he became aware of the sound of laughter, or more precisely, the sound of sniggering. At first he was unable to see who was laughing, but after realizing that the sound was coming from above, he looked up and saw a Barzig peering down at him, with such a look of amusement on her face that he couldn’t help but laugh too.
Posted by Michaelpfs (Member # 2209) on :
I like the images. It's a very descriptive piece and I find myself able to picture it well. However, and this is nitpicky, I remember reading this before and Tittle struck me as a feminine name and Barzig as a masculine name, that's how I pictured them anyway.
Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :
MUCH better. This version flows a lot more smoothly, and I can picture the imagery a lot more vividly.
Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :
I definitely agree with previous comments: much smoother and good narrative flow. My only concern is that if one were in the bottom of a flower and heard laughter, there is only one place to look for the source, and that is up. So that bit at the end:
quote:At first he was unable to see who was laughing, but after realizing that the sound was coming from above, he looked up and saw a Barzig peering down at him
could be shortened. In fact, you could cut everything before "he looked up and saw..." It's not that big of a deal, but something to consider.
