The title of this is "Virus Attached" but I hate putting that in the subject line of anything electronic. This is SF, and the 13 lines here happen about two paragraphs into the story.
I have a specific question about this segment, which I've put below. I would also be interested in a NaNoWriMo buddy who is willing to read a larger section (or the whole thing) and help me brainstorm. Must be willing to read rough draft and not comment on use of language! I don't have anyone out here I can run ideas past and it would help me out a lot.
As always, I appreciate any help that is given.
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As Huang reached his desk, the cameras on Metta's desktop interface swiveled in his direction. He held still to let her make the I.D. Faster than he could draw a breath, the A.I. knew him and powered up his desktop interface.
"Well, hello sailor." Mae West's voice purred from his desk. Over the interface, Mae West's head appeared and looked him up and down.
"Diamond Lil!" Huang had a weakness for starlets from the days of mono-V. Black & white in particular, and Metta had customized her interface for him before.
But this, this was special.
He grinned at the A.I.'s construct. "How'd ya know I watched her last night?"
"I always keep track of my private dicks."
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So now that you've read that, here's my question. Some of the lines that Metta says are actual Mae West quotes and some are lines that she extrapolates to sound like West, and some are just her natural rhythm in West's voice. Do I need to distinguish them?
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
I don't think you do. What I see here reads just fine. I wouldn't change it. Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
I agree with Christine. Fine as is.
If you need help brainstorming, send me a tid-bit! This sounds interesting.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
Nah, don't worry about quotes.
Posted by shadowynd (Member # 2077) on :
Sounds to me like, rather than quoting or impersonating Mae West, your AI is actually assuming her personality and persona. As such, "she" would consider these to be "her" own words rather than quotes. Under the circumstances, I would not treat them as quotes per se, but treat everything simply as character conversation. I agree with the others that you should let readers know at some point that there are quotes sprinkled throughout, and remind them that this is all in Mae West's voice and inflections from time to time, but otherwise treat it as normal character conversation: No quotes.
Susan
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
It reads well as it is, but don't say Mae West twice in a row.
Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :
I agree with Shadowynd: no quotes.
Posted by GavinLoftin (Member # 1966) on :
I'm doing NaNo too. I'll give the whole thing a shot. Email it to me
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I concurr.
For certain quotes, it would probably be natural for Huang to notice that they were verbatim quotes, particularly if the line was a sort of "in-joke" between him and Metta.
I also think that it would be more natural for Huang to think of this interface as "Metta's perfect Mae West impersonation" rather than "Mae West's head", but that may be simply because the latter sounds kind of Futuramaish
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I would think that an important consideration would be whether or not the character's "own" normal voice has been established. If so, then it should be pretty obvious when it is copying Mae West (who was pretty distinctive). If not, you'll have to be careful to clue in the audience anytime you expect them to catch that she is imitating someone else.
If you still want someone to brainstorm, I'd love to help, so I'll try to take a look.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Thanks all, for your comments.
GavinLoftin, if you are doing NaNo too, there is no way you should take time out to look at this. Thanks for the offer though.
