These are the first few lines of the first chapter to my WIP, a YA novel in which a young girl discovers a sentient computer program. The latest revision is 1,885 words. I’d be grateful to anyone willing to critique it. * * *
Strange, how such an important afternoon didn’t seem such a big deal at the time. I’ve heard of life changing books, life changing events, even movies that somehow embody the most essential aspects of life, but computer software?
In August, at the tail end of a family vacation to San Francisco, we stopped for lunch in Chinatown to celebrate the start of a new school year—not the best excuse in my estimation. Brian, my obnoxious little brother, grabbed at the fortune cookies the waiter left on our table and smashed all four.
I complained, of course. Mom scolded me for misbehaving in a restaurant, and Dad looked like he wanted to hit me. I couldn’t believe the favoritism – they should have yelled at Brian, not me. Dad apologized to the waiter for the noise we made.
The waiter told my parents not to worry--they were accustomed to serving families. He let me pick a new cookie out of a basket and said my fortune would be extra special, since I chose it myself.
It read "the world of entertainment can help resolve personal dilemmas."
[This message has been edited by Tess (edited November 21, 2004).]
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
I'll read, Tess. Just send it over.
Mike
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'll be back in action sometime, so send it over here, too.
By the way, the most scared I've ever been? Original DOOM. No kidding.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
If you don't mind waiting for an answer sometime next week, send it over.
Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :
Get rid of the first paragraph. It's hokey, and it looks like you're trying too hard to introduce your story, when you should just start the story.
Also, this is a classic example of telling, rather than showing. A more descriptive scene of the toddler smashing the cookies would be great. And why isn't anyone speaking? You tell us they are talking to each other--write some dialogue. This reads like a school report. You're not writing the story; you're writing about the real story still inside you. If this is a novel, you've got plenty of time and room to tell the story--to make us live in your story.
[This message has been edited by Magic Beans (edited November 22, 2004).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
First person narrators often lose credibility when they report dialogue verbatim. The same is true for "showing" rather than "telling", by the choice of a first person POV, the author is commited to showing by telling.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Good point, Survivor, but in this case Tess rushes things just a bit and can use dialogue interspersed with the telling to moderate the pace and reveal character. I have heard many a storyteller lapse into dialogue, to present a character and to add spice to the narrative.
Posted by Tess (Member # 2199) on :
You guys are great. I couldn't see this in my own work.
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Hey Tess,
This isn't my arena whatsoever, but send it my way and I'll give it a shot (well, when I get back from Minneapolis, that is).
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
I'd like to read. And I agree about dropping the first paragraph.
Posted by Corpsegrinder (Member # 2251) on :