Blazing on, I'm trying to revamp a chapter entirely. I know how the story goes (ie events that happen), but I don't have much past this. Just wanting to see if this is off to a good start... ----------------------------------------------------- Lyn and I returned to Richmond. Grandpa’s death and debt withstanding, life had to return to normal. And for the most part, it did. For five days. Then came the last day of autumn...
Across the row, I heard Jon pick up his phone for the fourth time in an hour. I groaned. I didn't know if he heard me. I didn't care.
"Hey, how's it going?" Jon said, his voice echoing off the ceiling. "Not bad... yeah-- you know how kid's are...yeah-- they kicked him off the bus..."
I bolted from my seat, having had my fill of his loud ramblings. I didn't know what Jon did, but I often wondered if he ever got it done.
As I walked down the aisle, I heard Jon say, "No. I don't think he really hit the driver..."
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
I think the first line of sentences should be reworded to be less choppy. Try to make that section flow a bit more. Also, the 'across the row' stumped me, but it is probably obvious in context. What kind of row? A row of cubicles? Beach houses?
Posted by Castaway (Member # 2201) on :
Yes I agree The first paragraph doesn't flow easily. The rest, in my opinion,is well written.