Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Brunsbuettel Massacre

This is topic The Brunsbuettel Massacre in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

While I'm revamping Autumn's Last Day, I'd like to see if this revamped chapter is any better than before...
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Upon the urn, the etched bear prowled a tarnished silver jungle. I imagined a power slept within, akin to a faint pulsation. The urn felt cool, too cool. It gave me the willies.

Then again, I did not feel well. My vertigo lessened, but my right arm itched and burned. Queasiness curbed my appetite and a migraine assaulted my head. I closed my eyes. Against the blackness I pictured Grandpa, reduced to a memory. Think it out on your fingers, he seemed to say...

“You’re not too far away from being checkmated,” Grandpa said. His white queen threatened to swoop down and end the game. “Now I’m not going to just let you win. But if you think hard enough there’s a way out.”

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Interesting stuff you have here. It suffers from being too thick at points. Some would argue that the flashback is a bit of a cliche -- I might agree, but if it is far enough in the book that it is a pivitol moment, I probably would be too engrossed to care much.

Upon the urn, the etched bear prowled a tarnished silver jungle. I imagined a power slept within, akin to a faint pulsation. The urn felt cool, too cool. It gave me the willies.

Quote: Upon the urn, the etched bear prowled a tarnished silver jungle.

"Upon the urn," a nice prepositional phrase, is a fairly heavy way to start a sentence; yes, it works fine -- but is a drag on the mind. Combined with the rest of the sentence, I become weary.

HOWEVER, if the urn is described elsewhere, as it surely is, then the issue is much less important. Either way, the phrase "tarnished silver jungle" is heavy. "Tarnished" also has a vague target.

Quote: I imagined a power slept within, akin to a faint pulsation.

The wording, while logical, confuzles me. I imagined that a power slept within it, akin to a faint pulsation. Also, I'm not sure what the part about the pulsation is.

Quote: My vertigo lessened, but my right arm itched and burned.

Quick tense lesson: My vertigo lessened = happens right then. My vertigo had lessened = means that it had happened earlier, and was now being realized.

I think you mean the second here.

My vertigo had lessened

Quote: Queasiness curbed my appetite

Is this person eating? If not, then what does this mean? What is it doing here?

Quote: and a migraine assaulted my head

Again, this means that the migraine assaults RIGHT at the moment. For instance, I bent down to pick the pen up when a migraine assaulted my head.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I think it's better now, but Phanto has some points there.

Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

Thanks. Anytime I think "this doesn't sound half bad" I better deca think it.

(I imagined that a power slept within it)

With this, it does not sound right on my tongue, even though it is grammatically correct. I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps I could cede the word 'that' but I hope the reader would understand what the imaginary power slept in...