This, Jeremy thought for the hundredth time in fifteen minutes, is a bad idea. The determined set of James’s shoulders, clearly visible thirty carefully measured yards away above the sheet of compress board held in front of his chest, confirmed Jeremy’s apprehension. Not that Jeremy had anything against determinedly set shoulders as a general matter—in point of fact he rather admired them—but the last time Jeremy saw James’s shoulders announce this particular level of determination was about two seconds prior to an attack so fierce that Jeremy had been forced to employ the cordless phone as a weapon in self-defense. Jeremy had negotiated peace only by promising 1) to never again to ask any of James’s girlfriends what they were wearing over the phone; and 2) to promptly dislodge the phone antenna from James's face. James still sported the scar on the underside of his chin.
Steve, standing with his toes on the firing line chalked onto the lawn, waved the Ruger 10/22 rifle over his head to capture James’s attention.
“Ready?” Steve yelled, his voice resonant with its unique undertones of amusement and nervousness that, when taken together, created a universal sense of distrust and apprehension in the listener. “And what’s the bet?”
“Ready,” James yelled back with the gruff jubilance that Jeremy had through experience come to associate with imminent pathological recklessness. “Twenty bucks!”
“Okay,” Steve shouted. He brought the rifle down to firing position.
[This message has been edited by J (edited December 05, 2004).]
What's the bad idea?
, or there is an important reason for leaving the names, like their being identical twins).How long is this? I like the feel (it sounds disturbingly familiar), and might be willing to read more if it is ready.
I'm one of those people who really don't care much about setting. I know, I know, it helps to have a good image of what's happening, and there are times when that's important, but I really don't think it's crucially important to the beginning. What's most important are the characters and you've done a wonderful job of displaying them.
I agree about the J's though. It distracted me.
I also agree that this style feels familiar somehow.
Send it on over. I'd love to take a look.
I'm properly grabbed. Good job of establishing tension.
It's only about three pages (haven't done a word count) at this point. I'd be happy to send it to anyone that wanted to take a peek.
As for the feel that everyone is finding familiar--beats me. The only distinctive thing about it is the deliberately instrusive narrative voice.
Let me know in the email what kind of critique you're looking for.