Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Failure

This is topic Failure in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

Short story, about 3300 words. I'm looking for readers for the whole thing. All comments appreciated!

Martin Miller was a failure, always had been.
One day, on a morning like any other, he got out of bed at his usual time and slid his feet into his ugly uncomfortable slippers. They were half a size too small, but he knew there was no point in shopping for different slippers. There would just be something wrong with them, some new annoyance for him to grow accustomed to, so he sighed and put up with the old ones.
Martin shuffled into the kitchen. He made himself a cup of instant coffee, weak and almost flavorless. He opened the refrigerator but was all out of cream, again; he could never seem to remember to buy cream. So he drank his horrible coffee black.
And then he realized – today was his fiftieth birthday. 18,250 long bleak days of tiny failures. The thought of another fifty years like this was suddenly intolerable, and Martin Miller resolved to kill himself immediately.
Of course he'd forgotten to take leap year into consideration, and thus his count of days was wrong, but no matter. Knowledge of his error would only have made him even more determined to kill himself.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

quote:
Of course he'd forgotten to take leap year into consideration, and thus his count of days was wrong, but no matter. Knowledge of his error would only have made him even more determined to kill himself.

If you're going to do a old-style narrator, try making that voice a little more distinct. This one is good, but it appears a bit too late, when we're already reading in modern 3PLO mode.

That said, I'm willing to read it as it stands.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

Great, thanks!

I'm afraid that passage is more of a slip than an under-developed old-time narrator.

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

Interesting, I'll take a look.

tim@lorddarkstorm.com

Posted by Corpsegrinder (Member # 2251) on :

Please send me a copy.

I like it so far. There's enough detail there to arouse my curiosity and it's not over written.

Though, I think the part about leap years is unnecessary. I mean, if he's already decided to kill himself, then why quibble over the extra misery he's endured because of leap years?

Anyway, good start.

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

Hah! I just turned 50 myself and this resonates.

If you'd like, I'll look at it, but I probably won't be able to return it to you until after the new year. If you can live with that, please send it my way.

One question, though. Being 50 (at least in my case) also means living with constant physical pain. Have you heaped pain upon the poor man's back also?

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

You're right, he should have some physical problems. But I think they'd need to be the result of his own incompetance, somehow, rather than natural aging processes.

Thanks for agreeing to read, everyone - I'll send it off in a few minutes. (and Mike, I'm in no particular rush.)

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Funny start! I can say that I would keep reading -- and I think that this is perhaps the first time I have said that on these forums ^^.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

Thanks! I'd be happy to send you the rest, if you want.

Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :

quote:
rather than natural aging processes

No natural aging process here. sigh

43 broken bones over the years

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

quote:
43 broken bones over the years

Mike, somehow I knew you were the Kamikaze type.

I can't read this time, but keep me in mind for future drafts.

One more thing. I have to disagree with this:

quote:
Though, I think the part about leap years is unnecessary. I mean, if he's already decided to kill himself, then why quibble over the extra misery he's endured because of leap years?

Why? Because this goes a long way toward character development. He is the kind of guy to think suicide and the discrepancy in his days-of-life count simultaneously.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

That is truly impressive. I've never even once had a broken bone, though I did chip a growth plate once (does that count?). Partly that's just because my bones don't break, but even the more fragile people I've known don't have anything like your record.