They rose into the air, riding upon a beam of light. Pendaran closed his eyes and observed through Othersense. The saucer screamed in ultra-purple, warping reality so as to keep aloft. The beam tasted tart, a warm rainbow of bell tones. Competing fragrances chilled his bones...
Physical laws bent and broke all around, the display of visible light an incidental byproduct. Pendaran was far more concerned about the emanations along reality’s fabric. Even the smallest would invite Praetorian attention. He worried that he had not distracted them enough.
When he neared the saucer, the source of the continuum disturbance, nausea pulsed throughout his body. Othersense meshed with the mundane senses, causing a unique form of synesthesia. Sometimes it became...
Too much. ------------------------------------------------------- Yep. More binary sentences. I only have this opening so far.
Is the exposition too much for third person limited?
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
Nope, this is actually better in terms of rhythm. Almost no consecutive binary sentences as far as I am concerned. The only problem in that area is with the first two sentences. Honestly, the exposition doesn't bother me.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
This is good. The rhythm could be better, but it's certainly not distracting. To me anyway. The description in the first paragraph really fascinated me and the rest interested me muchly. Only a couple things stood out for contemplation.
"They rose into the air" I'm assuming, if they're rising, that they're rising into the air.
"observed through Othersense" Observed what?
Posted by King of Men (Member # 2106) on :
If your character is closing his eyes and observing through the Othersense, how does he know about the display of visible light? In other words, I agree with Keeley, you need to make it clearer how the Othersense feels to the character.
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
It does look like I'm not making this clear. It's tricky exposition, which is why I wanted to field this fragment.
Before he close his eyes he sees the beam of physical light, but everything that follows the word Othersense, is what he observes through this sense. He can also discern through a Othersense what things not equated to the senses we know, for instance he can discern the bending of physical laws and the byproduct of physical light.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Seems pretty much okay. A couple of things, the term "ultra-purple" seems a lot too much like a really silly morph of "ultraviolet", and "Othersense" may not be descriptive enough. You also start with an unreferenced pronoun, and never actually define it. It isn't quite clear what the "saucer" is other than something that floats and is a really strange color.
You've streamlined the exposition to the point where it really isn't clear what you're expositing. That can be helped by using terms that suggest their meaning a bit better.
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
I could be wrong. I probablly am. But I am hoping that the ending of a prior chapter will define was the saucer is.
I did not want to use ultraviolet, because ultraviolet is invisible. Of course what he sees is not purple light but a vibration in reality, which he can see through Othersense. This is it's first mention and I hope the reader will be able to catch on in it.
Posted by Inkwell (Member # 1944) on :
This piece is most interesting. The use of 'Othersense' does not bother me at all...probably due to the fact that I have never seen it before (and since there are so many cliché words for ESP, I salute you). This line...
"The beam tasted tart, a warm rainbow of bell tones."
...threw me off for a moment, mainly because I took it literally (and this could very well be an interpretational error on my part). Perhaps mentioning the beam's taste in relation to the character's mind, or some other kind of subtle cognitive reference, would clear up any possible misconceptions.
As for the rest, I liked it (especially that reference to the ancient Praetorian guard, which I have been researching of late for a new WIP concept...now you really have my interest piqued). If the rest of the tale is as vivid as this excerpt it will definitely be an intriguing and enjoyable read.
Inkwell ------------------ "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
<The beam tasted tart, a warm rainbow of bell tones.>
It is kind of meant literaly, he experiences Othersense mainly through synesthesia. Thus Othersense manifest itself as one or more of the five senses.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited December 11, 2004).]
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I suppose that if you've already introduced your terms in a previous chapter of the same work, there aren't any real problems. I still vote against "ultra-purple", though. "Othersense" and "saucer", as well as tasting beams and seeing bell tones, I'll have to give the benefit of the doubt, under the circumstances.
If the rest of the tale is as vivid as this excerpt it will definitely be an intriguing and enjoyable read.