Hatrack River Writers Workshop: adjective and adverb exercise

This is topic adjective and adverb exercise in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by cicerocat (Member # 2138) on :

Mike's post got me interested in posting my own attempt. I did the adverb/adjective elimination exercise before and liked it, but my sample wouldn't have been good to post. So I tried it on an area I haven't edited in about a year, and a section that is going to be merged and changed anyway.

If it's okay to post more than thirteen lines for this exercise, I'll show you the full before and after. The full "before" was 13 lines, so I figured I couldn't post it and the after shot.

Oh, and I'm not really asking for crits or comments on this, though if I missed any adjectives or adverbs in the "before" shot, I'd love to hear it. I have problems with seeing the less obvious ones.

Any one else interested in doing the same, a before and after shot? I enjoy seeing them.

BEFORE:

There was too much noise in his head, ghost whispers and ghost emotions, disconnected from the quiet stillness of his room. No matter how Jol stared at the ceiling, they did not go away or the source materialize. So Jol got up and trailed down the dark hall to them.

AFTER

Whispers and emotions filled his head and refused to part. So, Jol rose from the bed and trailed down the dark hall to the source of this noise.

Cya,
CC

[This message has been edited by cicerocat (edited December 11, 2004).]