Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Plane of Pedryvan (version 1.01)

This is topic The Plane of Pedryvan (version 1.01) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :

They soared toward the saucer, riding upon a beam of light. The blue-white column illuminated the countryside, a beacon for miles around.

Of more concern to Pendaran were the emanations along reality’s fabric. Even the smallest would invite Praetorian attention. He had distracted them. He worried that he had not distracted them enough.

Pendaran shut his eyes and observed. In Othersense the saucer screamed in ultra-purple, warping reality so as to keep aloft. The beam tasted tart, a warm rainbow of bell tones. Competing fragrances chilled his bones...

Primitives would call it second sight. Yet those of the Transformed knew. That would do it an injustice. Where Othersense meshed with the mundane senses, it caused a full panorama, a unique, purposeful synesthesia.

And beyond...

For some phenomena there were no mundane equivalents. Pendaran could sense physical laws bending and breaking all around him. He perceived the production of photons from empty space, an unintentional byproduct of levitation. For some things, he had no words.
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Sorry if this exceeds the limit. I've tried to drum up the exposition. Hopefully this is credible for the viewpoint character.

[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited December 13, 2004).]

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

Much better.

Only two things distracted me. One, I had to pause in order to figure out that the blue-white column was the same light they were riding on.

Two, the last sentence jarred me and seems to re-state the first sentence in that last paragraph. I think it would work better if you got rid of "For some phenomena there were no mundane equivalents" and replaced it with "For some things, he had no words".

My thoughts anyway. Once again, I like the improvements.