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Mireia sat quietly as the Bishop finished saying mass. The stone church was cold, but it wasn’t just the temperature that made her shiver. The shiver came from the depths of her soul as the Bishop extolled Mary, the mother of God, and the need for women to lead virtuous lives.
That’s all well and good when you have money, Mireia thought. How am I supposed to lead a virtuous life when my father can barely afford to feed me let alone provide for my dowry?
Things had been bad for Mireia and her family for some time, but it hadn’t always been that way. At one time, a time that Mireia could barely remember, her father had been a profitable merchant until several of his cargo ships were lost at sea. Anything she might have remembered about her life before had been erased by years of poverty. Recently things had been worse and with no dowry and no marriage prospects, Mireia realized that it wouldn’t be long before her father would have to sell her into slavery, or worse, prostitution.
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited December 21, 2004).]
I'm glad you're submitting. I was a little worried you wouldn't make it. I'm glad some inspiration hit.
First paragraph--nice.
Second paragraph--good. sets up Mireia's conflict.
Third paragraph, tells too much and shows too little. SHOW me her poverty. Show me the state of her clothes. Show me that she is sitting in the pews reserved for poor people. Contrast that with her longing or memories of sitting in the 'rich' pews.
I also think I might be more sympathetic with her if a) she actually remembered being rich and privileged once, and b) you show that she is truly humbled by her circumstances. Or at least show me that reaching humility is going to be an important part of her story. I'm not sure her response to the Bishop's sermon are very humble.
you could also compare the beauty and wealth of the bishop to her plight of poverty and show an interior battle against petty envy.
I like this and I would read more.
Again, it's good enough to keep reading, but the text is already suffering from an apparent lack of integrity in the main character.
If however her thoughts were something like:
Oh, Mother Mary, I pray you save me from a life of slavery and dishonor.
- then I would have an entirely differant impression of her.
Dakota: I had trouble with that yesterday, but after sleeping on it I have some ideas. I might try the pew thing.
JBSkaggs: I plan to get more into the actual culture, time and setting within the next few paragraphs, I'm not sure if I can or should put it all into the opening 13. Let me think about it.
Survivor: I will may try to introduce her reason for being at mass sooner. Also, what do you mean by "lack of integrity in the main character"? (I found this comment a bit confusing so I have no idea how to fix it or avoid a problem).
Christine and Newsbys: This character is far more jaded than I originally thought she was. It has actually caught me a little off-guard, I may try to soften her because she is supposed to be sympathetic.
Again, thanks for the feedback so far.
Mireia sat quietly as the Bishop finished saying the Sunday mass. The stone church was cold, but it wasn’t just the chill of December that made her shiver. The shiver came from the depths of her soul as the Bishop extolled Mary, the mother of God, and the need for women to lead virtuous lives.
That’s all well and good when you have money, Mireia thought. How am I supposed to lead a virtuous life when my father can barely afford food?
Mireia glanced over at her younger sisters. Even though they were dressed in the best clothes they owned, they looked shabby compared to the children of the wealthier townsfolk.
Idoya and Sarita were too young to remember, but Mireia knew there was a time when their clothes had been new. She remembered eating and being full. She remembered playing without worrying. She remembered having money.
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited December 22, 2004).]
Let me know when you get the rest of it done and want volunteers to read.
Actually, she is at mass because she wants to speak to the Bishop about a personal crisis she is facing. I wasn't planning to go into it too much right at the beginning, instead, I planned to show Mireia's dilema then her need to be at mass.
Originally I was going to start the story off with her going to confession, but she hasn't committed the sin yet so that felt a little "cart-before-the-horse".
I didn't question why she was at mass. Given the setting, I assumed everyone would be at mass because that was expected.
Thanks for all the feedback, it got me going in the right direction.
Merry Christmas!
Naturally, it would be impolite to go about questioning people attending mass in this day and age, but she's a POV character, so that's not an issue. When I go to any religious service, I try to keep in mind why I'm there, and if the answer is going to be because everyone else will be there, then I don't go.