Hatrack River Writers Workshop: re: A little knowledge

This is topic re: A little knowledge in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

Ok, this one is a short, near-future story. It is less than 2000 words. Any level of critique is fine with me. Just let me know if you want to read the whole thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
David beat his hand against his locker. Another ‘C’ grade for his math paper. He had worked every night for a week on calculus and just for a ‘C’.

“Hey, Dave. Ready for our game?”

David looked up to see Tom standing there with his tennis racquet ready. Tom had no problems getting an ‘A’ in math. He was on the fast track to med school. Nothing was going to stop that.

“Yeah. Come on, I need to hit something.”
The game was closer than normal, but David managed to edge it in the end, despite being out of sorts during the game, missing shots he normally made comfortably.

“Well, it’s a good job your coach did not see that,” Tom said, as they sat on the bench near the courts. “You haven’t played that bad in ages.”

“It’s my damn math grades. You know I need to improve to go to college, but no matter what I do it all looks like hieroglyphics. I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried. I even tried hypnotism last semester.”

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Sure, send it over.

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Quote: David beat his hand against his locker.

Good. Expresses emotion. Cliche way, but does the job. However, in and of itself, feels empty. Perhaps add a physical reaction, such as pain, a noise, or blood rushing to his hand. Whatever.

Quote: He was on the fast track to med school.

Feels empty. Fast track is a cliche, and the emotion is a TAD too light.

The game was closer than normal, but David managed to edge it in the end, despite being out of sorts during the game, missing shots he normally made comfortably.

“Well, it’s a good job your coach did not see that,” Tom said, as they sat on the bench near the courts. “You haven’t played that bad in ages.”

This entire chunk does two things: A) Very clearly establishes the challenge. B) Is vaguely transparant to the reader

To be honest, I really find the problem worst in the 3rd paragraph. It is so info-dumpy. Aye, it is natural, aye it is effecitivly hidden. But still, my mind reacts violently to the mere suggestion of info dumpage and pulls out.

---------------------

Good. A little tighter, and could be better.
My opinion of course ^^.

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited January 06, 2005).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Yeah, I can read it.

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

I'll mail it to you, but I do think you have suffered enough. I think I owe you big time right now, so if you need anything critted just say so.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You should be the one complaining of suffering, I'm probably the most terrible critic on this board.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Terrible as in you do poor job of critiquing, or terrible as in you don't pull any punches (and so a critique from you can be rather painful)?

Shame on you for being so ambiguous, Survivor.

Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :

At least he didn't say he was the worstest critic around here :-)

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I think more in the sense of being terrible...and a critic That's not so ambiguous, is it?