So, I dashed off a 2,500 word story told from the first person viewpoint of a crusty old tower guard that starts out a little something like this:
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Every story and legend I ever heard, where some magic something-or-another gets itself stole, says the guards is all asleep -- most usually from being drunk. Some thieving little fancy-feet slips in all quiet-like, lifts the goods, and then pops back out while the guards is snoring into an empty barrel.
Don’t you believe it, 'cause I can tell you: Guards don’t fall asleep. And they sure as sunshine don’t drink at their posts. Leastways, not where I come from.
I been a guard of this tower for as long as most people been alive. I was at Karzur with General Fau, before you was born, and I seen things there that’ll freeze a man’s guts all up inside him. I left three good fingers on the field -- one of them big Borshali spear-axes cut right through my shield and my hand along with it. I’m a lefty now whether I like it or not!
But like I was saying ...
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The narrator has a slight problem staying focused, and his grammar is appropriately atrocious. No connection whatsoever to my WIP novel; this one has magic (give or take).
Pax,
Eli (aka Mekvat)
The only problem I had was in the last paragraph. He has lost fingers when an axe cuts through his shield. From the description I would expect him to have lost fingers on his shield hand -- yet you say he is a lefty now. I'm having a hard time envisioning how he lost the fingers on his right hand when the axe went through his shield unless he was already a lefty, but in that case he wouldn't bother to mention it now.
"I been a guard of this tower for as long as most people been alive." This line is great, it tells me so much about him. He's old, he's not upwardly mobile and kinda proud of it. Nice.
[This message has been edited by Netstorm2k (edited January 09, 2005).]
I love a story with a unique voice done well. The real challenge is keeping yourself from going so crazy with it that you're the only one who can understand what he's saying. But I don't see any of that here.
You know, I really can't resist. Can I read, too?
Do please let me know if the narrative voice is overdone. He's somewhat based on the old guy named Cotton who was the caretaker of the city dump in Gorman, Texas, where I grew up. He lived in a shack just outside the gate to the dump. The dump was free, but the "rule" was that you had to give Cotton first pick off of whatever you were dumping. I swear, I'm not making that up.
Anyhow, I guess this makes more sense:
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I left three good fingers on the field -- one of them big Borshali spear-axes cut right through my sword and my sword-hand along with it. I'm a lefty now, like it or not!
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Cheers,
Eli (aka Mekvat)
That aside, I think that it sounds like a fun story, particularly if it involves some unlucky thief being gutted. I wouldn't mind reading it at all.
All right. I should have been either less specific, or more correct.
But goodness, I'm sure if/when you all read the whole story you'll come up with MUCH more to pick on that just that. The tower plan I've come up with, for example, is profoundly impractical. (Since I'm a profoundly impractical person, it only stands to reason.) If you are itching to point this out, noble critiquers, you will be preaching to the converted (though the choir still enjoys a good sermon, like anyone else).
(BTW, excellent idea, HuntGod. Your check is in the mail.)
[This message has been edited by Mekvat (edited January 10, 2005).]
As for towers with impractical designs...how practical is a tower in the first place?
After telling that he lost them in battle have him think back to how he actually lost them and then justify it with "well it's the lesson that counts not the facts" or some such.
I find hypocrisy increases exponentially as you age. You did stupid things as a kid and don't want your kid to make the same stupid mistakes, so you denounce those activities often with the "I'd never have done that when I was your age" type comments, even though you MOST definately did do that kind of stupid stuff when you were there age.
I know I find myself omitting stupid things I did as a youth when counseling my children to not do something that I know could harm them. When I do use an example of something stupid I did and then tell them not to do it, then I am being a hypocrite.
Telling your kids not to do something you yourself do gleefully, that's most likely hypocritical. "Don't f'n swear, you $* brats."
So I'm like, "Okay, we'll have to let that cool off a bit before we try to light it again."
Then, quite casually, I flipped open the combustion chamber panel and tossed in a lit match. A great gout of flame shot out and hit me in the chest, spreading out and singeing me pretty nicely. To this day I cannot fathom why I did that. I think I had just gotten used to the idea that if I gave good advice, then it was inevitable that someone would ignore it. And I sensed that my brother wasn't going to ignore my advice.
As for the left-hand/right-hand problem. I think the debate that is raging demonstrates that having his sword-arm cut is going to create problems. The shield hand made a lot more sense. Is it important for him to be a lefty? Can't he just have lost fingers from his left hand? Maybe he was a lefty to start with and now must use his right.
When you think about it, missing a bunch of fingers from his sword-hand might make him less useful in any armed position.
BTW, love the characterization so far.
Jefficus
[This message has been edited by Jefficus (edited January 18, 2005).]
There was much more to being a soldier than fighting in the sword and shield days. A soldier had to prepare camp, haul and carry, shovel, build latrines etc. A man with a damaged forearm might still be capable of prviding valuable service in a camp ro fortress, but not on campaign. A man without a hand, or missing fingers, might not be worth keeping on, in any capacity.
Anyway, think about it like this, the lefty joke pretty much needs to go, it'd really just confuse people and raise more questions than it should. I don't think your whole story rides on this single point. However, it would be a good idea to think about increasing the importance of his injury. The fact that he lost fingers in a battle and still survived is probably not a common thing in the kind of battle he was in. So just play with it a little.
One thing this piece has is a hook. I want to know about this guard, and what he has seen, sitting in the background. Obviously, he has had some interactions with thieves, what was he guarding? What do the guard due for security procedures, especially where magic might be involved?
I read a hundred novels a year minimum, so the comparasion I want to make is not gratuitous. For some reason I was reminded of the beginning of the Farseer novels, and young Fitzchivalry. Something in the tone and style. CJ Cherryh has also developed some excellent supporting characters reminiscent of this guard, although never as a main character.
As someone who would have liked to see Chewbacca save the day in Star Wars after Luke failed, I think there is an audience for the guy in the background to be the lead with their quiet heroism rather than the in your face stuff. Just my thoughts. I'd certainly be interested in critiquing the full work.
so far, the story's pretty fun. i'd like to read it. i'd give you my critique on the first 13 lines but...who wants to talk about some old pervert before he gets to the REALLY juicy stuff? lol.
[This message has been edited by maverick (edited January 18, 2005).]
I do agree with Dude that if it was his shield-arm, then he would have already been a lefty, though I don't see that it hurts the story for that to be the case. If you can't hold a shield properly anymore, you're even less good in a battle than if you can't hold a sword, truth be told.
I also had a specific problem with an axe blow cutting through the sword itself, rather than just the handguard, and subsequently managing to remove fingers. The geometry of a sword simply doesn't allow this to occur. If a blow that cuts right through a sword removes any part of the hand, it's going to remove it before going through the sword.
But when you fight with edged melee weapons, losing fingers is a real danger. It's a non-fatal injury that often doesn't hurt your ability to do simple manual labor but will usually prevent you from being much help on the front-line.
As much fun as it is to listen to people quibble about the fingers, I think I should ruin it: The lost fingers are important to character, but not to plot. They speak to his credibility as a soldier, and also count toward explaining why he's a guard now and not still a soldier. What is NOT important in any way is how he lost 'em. It was on the battlefield; how it happened is just a throwaway detail that that adds color (and doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I agree). The (current) edited version makes a lot more sense. I'll post it shortly.
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Every story and legend I ever heard of, where some magic something-or-another gets itself stole, says the guards is all asleep -- most usually from being drunk. Some thieving little fancy-feet slips in all quiet-like, lifts the goods, and then pops back out while the guards is snoring over an empty barrel.
Don't you believe it, 'cause I can tell you: Guards don't fall asleep. And they sure as sunshine don't drink at their posts. Leastways, not around here.
I been a guard of this here tower for as long as most people been alive. I was at Karzur with General Fau, before you was born, and I seen things there that'll freeze a man's guts all up inside him. I left three good fingers on the field -- one of them big Borshali spear-axes cut 'em clean off. That's why they call me Lefty.
But like I was saying ...
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But it's the good kind of irony rather than the bad kind.
That wasn't mentioned in any of the crits, nor did anyone comment on the irony that the narrator demonstrates his premise that guards never fall asleep by telling the story of a guard who did in fact fall asleep at his post. FWIW, those two bits of irony were intentional. (As Lefty would say, "Life don't make sense that way sometimes.") Anyhow, since nobody mentioned that negatively in the crits, I reckon the irony works.