Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Motherland

This is topic Motherland - Preface in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by mujarrah (Member # 2300) on :

Preface for my futuristic/sci-fi/mythological/spiritual/love-and-war/social-commentary mongrel monstrosity. Comments appreciated. As you can see, I need the help.

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Penetration is an act of conquest, a male's victory dance at the end of a long struggle. It is no surprise that prehistoric armies used sodomy as well as the sword to vanquish their foes.

Women are nothing like men. Those who claim otherwise are blinded by jealousy or a false sense of entitlement, or deceived by the legions of slavish males in their company. City life may blur the lines, but make no mistake; the conqueror is always on the march.

Throughout history female-dominated societies have always died out, falling victim to stagnation or invading armies. It is not for lack of means. In modern times women can serve in any capacity, lawyers or politicians or ruthless businesswomen; when called to war they can fight and die and even command, if the men would take their orders. But through it all they remain cogs in the wheel, never to drive the machine or plot its course, for the same reasons their female utopias failed. Women lack the will to conquer.

History is written by the victors, the substance of thought and human memory determined by the conquerors. If, as scholars say, evolution is a battlefield of the mind, a brute struggle for the transmission of ideas, then women will never win the war.

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I should add that this statement represents a dilemma in the story (and certain characters' views) not my opinion.

[This message has been edited by mujarrah (edited January 15, 2005).]

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

Hmmm, I'll take a look. Interesting and contravertial concept. Sounds interesting.

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

To me, this sounds like an essay, not like the beginning of a novel. I like beginnings with characters, settings, situations, and conflict, rather than abstract descriptions of sociological issues.

You've got the whole novel to illustrate and prove your theme - you don't need to state it up front.

[This message has been edited by Beth (edited January 15, 2005).]

Posted by mujarrah (Member # 2300) on :

Thanks for the responses.

I have 5 chapters, about 160 pages. I would love to get feedback any portion of it. I'm new to this forum. How does that process work?

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

The only point I want to make is that maybe "prehistoric" isn't the best word to use. It's unlikely anyone would know that soliders sodomized others during a prehistoric era, since prehistory generally refers to "things that happen before recorded history."

Unless, of course, your story has a device similar to what OSC used in Pastwatch to view the past; your character has special knowledge of this fact; or if there just happens to be cave paintings, hieroglyphics, or whatever that show these things happening to the subdued. (Whether these things actually occurred in real history, I don't know -- and maybe I don't want to know -- just making an observation.)

It's a nitpicky thing, sure, but perhaps using another word (or two) would be appropriate. Such as: "earliest known armies" or some other thing that works for you.

If you are looking for a reader for the rest, I'd be glad to give it a go. It's interesting -- makes me wonder if it's a diary, speech, or written excerpt done by your main character.

Posted by mujarrah (Member # 2300) on :

HSO - thanks for the note. I did in fact intentionally choose the word 'prehistoric'. The story is set centuries after an apocalypse, and the characters refer to everything before the apocalypse (e.g. our modern world) as 'prehistoric'. Without context, though, it might not be conveying the right idea.

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

Fair enough. It's often hard to see such distinctions in a few short lines without reading the larger work.

About how it works: I'd recommend jumping right in and critiquing other's works before expecting any volunteers to critique yours. This gives the impression that you're going to be an active participant on the boards, willing to learn and help others with their stories, and not disappear after you've been helped. Critiquing (even 13 lines, for some of us) takes time and effort and some here won't give you any their time if you aren't willing to give your time to the other members in return. Not everyone feels this way, but some do.

So, poke your head into a few topics and tell people what you think. Get involved. Visit the other boards and participate in the discussions.

There's more to it, but you can get a good feel for how it all works by reading through the topics.

Hope this helps.

Posted by utah1692 (Member # 2299) on :

i think the essay-type format is a legitimate beginning to a story, and it has the potential to work well with yours, but it has to be dealt with fairly delicately. if, for instance, this philosophy is a crucial, pivital thing, then yes, but you're gonna have to work fast and tie it directly to an important character. if you just try to let it stand on its own and slowly flesh it out over the course of the piece it will probably just disappear from your reader's head. i guess what i'm trying to say is that, yeah, it can be very good and usable, you just have to be careful to work it into the actual story pretty quick.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I'll make a terminology nit first.

A "preface" is supposed to be your own ideas. If the text here is not your opinion, then don't call it a preface. You could make it a prologue, with a fictional header saying who wrote it and when. That would solve a lot of the problems noted already.

I'll take a look at this "artificial document" prologue after you add the appropriate headers.

As for getting a novel critted, the first step is usually to post the opening of the first chapter and look for readers for that chapter. Then anyone can volunteer to keep reading. Prologues often present a special case, if the prologue is in a narrative style similar to the rest of the book you can submit it like a first chapter with the understanding that it is a prologue.

In this case, you should probably post the opening somewhere else and have this be a bonus assignment for people that want to critique the whole thing.

Posted by JBSkaggs (Member # 2265) on :

In the book Starship Troopers such premises were integral to the story and were introduced by lectures in classrooms and character observations. You might find it useful to use such devices to create the desired mindset.