Well here I am again, fragging and feeding. This one is a supernatural type story. It's been a real pain and has changed completely since I started writing it. In fact if you read my first effort you wouldn't recognise the story as being the same. Anyways it is about 2300 words. I'm looking for an overall crit. I'm not worried about a line by line just yet. I'm looknig for more of a mood, consistency, characterisation, general interest typr of crit.
Oh, there is one potentially offensive word.
Ok here's the first 13... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Peter watched the young girl as she hurried along the dimly lit alley, an umbrella clutched tightly in her hand. So beautiful and innocent. The dark skin of her legs glistened as she walked. She could not be more than fourteen years old, yet even on a night like this she had chosen to wear the shortest of skirts.
He had seen her before, but she had never seen him. Not that she would have taken notice of him if she had. In her eyes he would be just another down and out. No, she was as unaware of him as she of the other man who dogged her steps.
He turned away and pulled up his hood in a vain attempt to stop the rain trickling down his face. He knew he should find shelter for the night. Already he could feel his fingers growing numb with the cold. If he didn’t move soon all the best places would be gone. But something inside him rejected the idea. He was meant to be here. But why? He was soulless. Why should he care?
Posted by dpatridge (Member # 2208) on :
ooh. love the opening as far as what you are looking for is concerned... felt a little fast, but that may just be the music that's playing in the background right now...
anyways. i'd love to take a look for you and see what i think of it, for so far it sounds great!
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Hi Yanos, I am hoping it is not an 'Angel'-esque character as in the vampire doing good deeds. I would like to read it please.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 25, 2005).]
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Hi Yanos, I honestly don't know if I will have time to read this, but I owe you a couple of crits. Send it over and I'll send back what I can.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Well, Angel had a soul and this character apparently is souless. And he apparently isn't a vampire.
There are some "line by line" issues, but they're below the threshhold of incoherence, so I'll be happy to ignore them and give you a general issues crit if you like.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
So long as no one compares this one to Charmed I'll be pleased. This is actually a rewrite of the one that was compared to Charmed, and basically I changed 99% of it. I think Survivor might work out the bits that remained the same.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Uh, I might?
Posted by Daniel Thurot on :
Yanos, I would like to read this as well. I'm still reading your other story, but I'm getting more time freed up later this week, so please send this to me.
Posted by W. Rought (Member # 2186) on :
I would like to read this as well. Just email it to me in a word doc and I will see what I can do to help. Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I have enough for this round thanks. If you are willing to look at my next draft you are most welcome.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Yanos, I received your story but had a few things come up at work. I will read it this weekend and send my comments on Monday.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I plan to rework it this weekend. If you are busy, could you wait until I send you a new version next week? It would be more useful to me.
