This is the begining of another story series I have been writing. I want to see what you all think as far as its delivery. The first story involves what made the protagonist what she is.
----------------------------------------------- Rain gently fell on the frontier city and the surrounding farm and grass lands giving them much needed nourishment. Everyone went about their evening chores as dusk gave way to night and all seemed peaceful and ordinary to everyone except a young half-elven girl.
Behind the Bejeweled Stein, inn and tavern, Kyla stood over Trevlin’s corpse as the rain increased. Blood flowed freely from her arm as she knelt down, picked up his body and walked towards the constabulary with tears in her eyes. Her thoughts dwelled on the events that brought her here, to this alley in her home town. Events that began several days ago…
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There is alot more to it and if you are interested I can email you more or the whole story if you want.
Posted by NilzarkK (Member # 2340) on :
Here is my two cents. Try retelling these first few lines with less use of "and". Additionally I don't think you need to have the rain fall "gently" and speed up later to create better mood. I think the fact that it is just raining is mood enough.
Posted by JBSkaggs (Member # 2265) on :
I too think that rewriting the opening would help. I don't think a panoramic view of the town then focusing onto the scene works. Maybe if you lept directly into the scene.
this is an example of what I mean (mind you my 1st drafts are usually error laden):
Kyla stood weeping in the rain as she stared at the corpse of Trevlin. The rain washed her tears and the blood from her wounded arm into the muddy earth behind the tavern called the Bejeweled Stein. She....
Does this help you?
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
Start with what happened several days ago.
Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :
I concur with the other guys, the descriptions is great.
You could introduce her a bit sooner, like suggested. I think the sooner you introduce your main character, the better off you'll be.
I also think you can start with your second paragraph and run from there with your story.
Well, other than my stated concerns, you look like you know what you're doing so far.
My two cents.
-Bryan-
[This message has been edited by Monolith (edited January 28, 2005).]
Posted by NilzarkK (Member # 2340) on :
Here is a small thing. "Frontier city" is an oxymoron. If a civilization exists on a frontier it would more than likely be a small town or a series of border villages. Unless you are meaning to describe a place like the ones found on the border of the Blight in Jordan's Wheel of Time where very large cities defend the rest of the continent from attack.
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Ahh! Danger! Danger! Flashback approaching! If you're starting a flashback within three paragraphs of starting your story, chances are you should start your story back then. There's a reason your internal storyteller is telling you to flashback. It's because it's important. Why not start there and let the reader really experience it without having to rely on a fairly flimsly frame-story?
Also, I appreciate your use of long sentences with several conjunctions. This can vary your sentence structure and make things more meaningful. But don't do it over and over, back to back.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I second the flashback warning. Sounds like the beginning of the flashback is your true beginning. You said this story led to the reason she became a bounty hunter, so it makes sense that it should start at some time before she was a bounty hunter, then detail her story of how she became one, ending finally with the fact that she is one. Then we would be ready to move into her future adventures as one.
Other than that, the thing that was bugging me in this frag was the fact that a dead male is being picked up by a woman. I don’t mean that women are not strong. They can be. But if she is strong enough to casually pick up a dead corpse and carry it, you should probably mention it. If she is not that strong, then you should show her struggling to pick up the corpse. Or if the dead male is a child or small male, or is recently withered from illness, frail from age, then it also would make a difference and should be mentioned.
I suspect however, that if you started the story from the true beginning (where the flashback starts), then it would probably explain some of these details by the time we get to this scene.
Posted by W. Rought (Member # 2186) on :
Ok it is hard for me to explain but the story has a twist in it and I am starting it with a flashback to build on that twist. Also....It is a city. Althought maybe it sould be called something else cause it is in the middle of a wasteland. Reason I called it a frontier city is because the races are begining to repopulate the wasteland, so the city's personality and attitude is that of a frontier city. Not trying to be agumentative or anything just explaining things you discover later in the story or other stories. Maybe I should just get someone to read the whole thing? (Which is not short, somewhere around 10,000 words). Or Maybe I just could remove the parts that were questioned and place them later in the story.
[This message has been edited by W. Rought (edited January 28, 2005).]
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
I'll do the first 2500 words, if you'd like. Maybe more if I'm up to it, but I can promise at least 2500 words. So, send away... but be prepared, while I try to be fair and tactful, I can be a harsh critiquer. Just so you know.
Posted by W. Rought (Member # 2186) on :
Thats fine doesn't matter how harsh you are, I never take critque's personal. and I will send it within the hour.
and I will send it within the hour.