I have taken all of your comments to heart and I think the rewrite is much better for it. Thanks, everyone!
The spirit slept. And where it slept there was no dreaming, only darkness and pain and no escape. It slept in a cage the shape of a dark dewdrop hung like a cocoon in a sunless, inky cavern filled with stench beyond bearing, smothering despair, and screams--the lullaby of the damned. Memory, however, was granted to it; memory of a life it could relive over and over a thousand, thousand times but never amend, never remold the clay of its torment. Hatred there was in plenty and fury, but no way to wield them. “I, once greatest of prophets, the icon of power, am powerless”, it thought without hope, and was right. Then, unexpectedly, into its bleak eternity, within its cold, wretched heart, a summons stirred: there was something it must do, and a price for freedom. Its time had come.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I'm surprised at how much this is improved just by introducing paragraph breaks in some new places.
Anyway, let us know anytime you need more of our help.
Posted by in_defiance22 (Member # 2344) on :
personally I like the other version better, I go for the more drawn out scenes where I can fully envision the things that happen. This seems way to short, for me personally it is like it just barely starts to get goin when it is cut off without anything real ever happening. Maybe some type of compromise is required. With a little less exposition than the firts version but more than this watered down almost pointless version.
Like I said, I love the imagery. Without some of that imagery I need lots of dialogue to keep me intrigued. I thought your first version was very provacative, very hooking. But I can see where some would find it overbearing. If theres one thing Ive learned though it is this, you really never can please everyone. Keep that in mind, first and foremost I think the things you write should be pleasing to yourself. Be true to yourself and to your own style.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
quote:you really never can please everyone.
Yep. That axiom will always be true.
quote:the things you write should be pleasing to yourself.
Naturally. Or why bother. Right?
quote:Be true to yourself and to your own style.
Ah, yes. One should always stive to find their own voice, their own style as you put it.
Yet what one must also consider is that if your style is fundamentally flawed in the first place [hypothetically, as an example... not saying anyone's style is flawed], and if you stubbornly refuse to listen to the advice or opinions that have been put forth; and if you don't care if anyone ever actually reads or enjoys your stories, then it would be wise not to ask for advice and keep your stories to yourself to sate your own egotistical desires.
But if you want to improve and write compellingly, then the ego must be set aside so that all advice and opinion can be considered and given equal weight.
Criticism may hurt, but it is only your ego that is getting bruised. Nobody has attacked you personally... even if it feels like it. If it's ego stroking you want, then perhaps writing isn't the medium you want use to express yourself.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited January 30, 2005).]
Posted by Rocklover (Member # 2339) on :
Dear defiance, Thanks for reading. I agree some of the details I left out this time still need to be there. But to put them there goes way over the 13 lines so I left them out for this forum. I appreciate the encouraging words. Judith
Posted by Rocklover (Member # 2339) on :
Dear HSO Thanks again for your encouragement. Although I am new to Hatrack, I have been writing a long time and am used to screening criticism as to what I accept or reject. I consider it a compliment that anyone takes the time to respond to my work and carefully and respectfully consider their point of view. But, as you point out, in the end, the story belongs to the author. One thing I know I do is overwrite (a hard habit to break, darn it), so I am prone to cut, cut, cut in the rewrite. But maybe I cut too much this time? Anyway, I completely agree with you that one must be true to one's own voice. If not, robots could do our job. Thanks again for your outstanding critique of the chapter. Judith
Posted by in_defiance22 (Member # 2344) on :
I thought we were suppposed to critique the fragment of the author posting, It seems some people are out to critique anything and everything, including other critique's. I was just offering my humble opinion of Rocklovers work, and I really do think that the first fragment was better. It drew me in while this one left me hanging, wondering if that was all.
P.S. IF someone wishes to discuss something other than the authors fragment, Start another topic, And provide a reference Otherwise we have comments on the comments which are only indirectly related to the authors fragment which take up whole pages just to get through to the stuff the author really is interested in(Just like this comment)
[This message has been edited by in_defiance22 (edited January 30, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by in_defiance22 (edited January 30, 2005).]
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
No, I did not critique your critique of Rocklover's work -- in fact, I made no mention of either her work or your critique it. Rather, I grasped at your personal views about writing in general and challenged them with my own views. The parts I quoted were not part of your critique/comments.
Anyway, this is a message board after all and we sometimes deviate from its intent and purpose; often for no reason at all other than we're feeling a bit twitchy or crabby.
I apologize if I've offended you.
Posted by in_defiance22 (Member # 2344) on :
IF you wish to discuss this further, I've taken my own advice and started another topic under the "open discussions about writing" forum
Posted by in_defiance22 (Member # 2344) on :
Rocklover, If your still offering I would like to read the rest of this
Posted by Netstorm2k (Member # 2279) on :
I would critique your critique of his critique, but I'm just too tired, and my wife just brought me some ice cream.
Hey, Stargate's on!
Weee!
Posted by Netstorm2k (Member # 2279) on :
Netstorm2k: INJECTING LEVITY WHERE NEEDED, though not requested.
Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :
Good lord, this is the innocent exchange that created that other topic?
I was expecting something juicy and this is it?
Someone needs a hug and some "me" time :-)
Oh and I prefer this version of the story as well. The other felt cluttered and this one seems cleaner.
Posted by Rocklover (Member # 2339) on :
Hi y'all. Are we having fun yet? Can't we all just get along?...
Thanks defiance for wanting to read more. I will send you the complete rewrite including the details I omitted.
Now everybody, take three deep breaths and go have a mug of warm milk and some cookies. Mommy Judith
Posted by dpatridge (Member # 2208) on :
if you can send it off to me within the day i'll see about critiquing it. i have a couple days off work. be certain to put "Hatrack" in the topic, i've been noticing people not doing so recently, and so my filter hasn't been picking them up.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I could read it, so long as it aint too long. If its under 4000 I'll give it a whirl.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I'll take a look at it. I do like this version better because you gave the "creature" a title - "spirit". That one word made a big difference in my opinion. It clues me into the fact that I will be exploring a "spiritual realm".