Ok, well I am at the point where this seems just about ready to me, and I'm nearly ready to send it out (will be my first). I'm looking for a couple of ready volunteers to help give it a final once over, checking for typos, grammar and any other stupido things. So, if anyone has the time, please say so. Only 3000 words.
~~~~~~~~~
Michael Carson looked at the neatly cut lawn, manicured into evenness. The one-storey house was identical to a thousand others. This was Suburbia. Why the hell was a burb truanting? He opened his pad, accessing the target’s file – Peter Stillworth, a twelve year old boy. There was no mistake. He secured his helmet and signaled to his partner, Richard.
They approached from the blind side of the house, hugging the wall. Michael would allow no easy shots taken while he was in charge, and piles of rotting garbage would give good cover for a sniper. To most children, truancy was just a game, but there were those who would take advantage of the agents’ exposure. The department had already lost two agents this month to sniper fire. Luthor would have his skin if he took any unnecessary chances.
They halted either side of the door. Michael readied a flash grenade, while Richard placed the openbug on the door. Within seconds the electronic scramblers had decoded the lock and the door slid open. ~~~~~~~~
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
I know that I've already been through it once, but if you want me to do it a second time, I will. I recall enjoying it. Send away at your discretion.
HSO
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
I think the opening is pretty good and promises a neat story. I don't like the title, assuming "To Err Is Human..." is your title. It's just so, bleh.
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
It didn't click with me either before I read the story, but after I had finshed it I realized it was likely the best choice.
Given that it's a major theme of the story, I feel the title is appropriate.
Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :
Yes the title is very appropriate in the context of the story.
I'd be interested in reading the new draft as well.
Your new intro is much tighter, I like it.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Are you beginning to hate it yet? 'cause if you are, it's probably ready to go out. If you're still in love with it, revise it.
Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :
If you don't need an overnight turn-around, I'd be happy to read.
Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :
In case you are in a hurry, let me quickly note your first sentence: "Michael Carson looked at the neatly cut lawn, manicured into evenness." It reads as if Michael is 'manicured into evenness.' It could just as easily have read: 'Michael Carson, manicured into evenness, looked at the neatly cut lawn.'
Posted by Daniel Thurot on :
I would also like to take a look at it. Send it to me if you have the time.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
Like it or love it, that's the title. I've sent it to those who said they were willing to read, and I'm ignoring and bleh like comments
As for hating it. I'm getting to the birthing stage and not through impatience this time. There is little more I can do to this story. It feels all grown up to me
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
yanos, if you aren't willing to revise it, then why send it out for critiques? You just looking for people to say how great it was?
I only mention this to say I didn't mean that YOU were "bleh" only that that was my opinion of the title (my gut, no-thought, reaction). It's just a datapoint. As with every critique you get, take it as you will.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I was looking for readers as I mentioned in my original post. I know quite well how to take negative criticism as well as give it. Somehow bleh doesn't do it for me.
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Oh. I thought "bleh" was clear. My fault.
What I meant was "To err is human" is a cliche and so didn't really grip me all that much, so it felt kind of flavorless, kind of bleh. That's all I meant.
But really, you don't have to impress me.. you have to impress an editor.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
You see. That is much better. There was thought and feeling behind the comment allowing me to evaluate it and consider it on its merits. Thank you Rahl
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
Titles for stories are fairly flexible in my mind. In fact, so flexible that if someone (say an Editor) suggests that I change it to make it more interesting or if they recommended something better, I would not have any trouble accomodating this request.
Titles may be important for a attracting readers, but there are probably hundreds or thousands of stories and books that have crap titles (opinion), and yet the story itself is outstanding and that, to me, matters more.
And I agree that cliches should be avoided as using one may seem like laziness on the part of the author. But sometimes they work better than anything else. Gotta keep an open mind about these things.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
quote:and piles of rotting garbage would give good cover for a sniper.
Um, how is this pertinent? Are there piles of rotting garbage somewhere in this scene?
Generally I think this has improved. For now I'll simply wish you good luck.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
Maybe I need to read the whole thing. The piles of rotting garbage is certainly at odds with a perfectly manicured lawn. I gotta know why.
