Hatrack River Writers Workshop: To Color the Sunrise 2

This is topic To Color the Sunrise 2 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000720

Posted by JDSimon (Member # 2348) on :

Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback last time. It led me to redo the whole beginning, and subsequently redo the who first part. I haven't finished that yet, but I have a new intro would like to know everyones opinion of it.

---------------------------------------------
It was quite a large house for the location. Deep red and forest green boards suspended in the air secured with screws and nails between giant hedgewood trees. Rope ladders hung in earnest with metal footholds. Trap doors kept their secrets secret. It wouldn’t pass any building codes, but with their skills none of that mattered.

The top floor belonged to Sergei and the bottom, Joey. Each fixed their own bed out of pine needles. Far less comfortable than their mattresses back home, but familiarity, enchanting dreams, and fond memories made up for that.

They swore never to tell anyone who entered how they built it.
---------------------------------------------

13 Lines is a lot longer when there is no dialogue...

Thanks in advance.

[This message has been edited by JDSimon (edited February 01, 2005).]

Posted by theokaluza (Member # 2315) on :

Wow, this is leaps and bounds better than the first version.

quote:
It was quite a large house for the location. Deep red and forest green boards suspended in the air secured with screws and nails between giant hedgewood trees.

The opening sentence is good. The second sentence, although it gets the imagery across, it's really only a vague outline of said imagery. "Deep Red and Forest Green boards," for instance. Wooden boards, I assume? But I've never really seen green wood, not unless it was dyed or painted. Is it painted?

quote:
Rope ladders hung in earnest with metal footholds. Trap doors kept their secrets secret. It wouldn’t pass any building codes, but with their skills none of that mattered.

Is this correct usage of the word earnest? Now, I'm one for using symbolic descriptions of things, but ladders hanging earnestly I don't understand. "Secrets secret" at first looked like a typo to me.

The line about building codes is cool... so long as the story they live in has building codes. I can't tell what the timeline/overall setting is, so who knows?

quote:
The top floor belonged to Sergei and the bottom, Joey. Each fixed their own bed out of pine needles. Far less comfortable than their mattresses back home, but familiarity, enchanting dreams, and fond memories made up for that.
They swore never to tell anyone who entered how they built it.

I like this whole passage. It gets an idea across -- an idea that I assume is going to be a major crux of the story -- that this place was mysteriously built.

I'd like to read the rest of this, if you're looking for people. I'm interested.

Posted by JDSimon (Member # 2348) on :

Thanks for the feedback. I sent you a copy of part 1. You can e-mail me back at Simon6167@mindspring.com.

Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :

Great intro...grabs you immediately and has a good hook to keep me reading.

I had an issue with the "forest green wood" as well.

Are you referring to it being painted, which would be odd, since you seem to be describing a "tree house" of some sort or are you referring to the state of the wood, i.e. it being "green" untreated wood?

Posted by Ryan Brotman (Member # 2360) on :

I'm new, so I didn't get a chance to read the first write draft of this piece that you had up. I like what's here, especially the part about your characters sleeping on beds of pine needles. The description of the house is a great example of setting, but I think you wait too long to mention your characters and I found myself starting to skim to find out who the story was about.

A couple of technical crits.: I would think about rewriting the first sentence to economize the words by getting rid of "it" as the first word, because then you are referencing the house that you are already talking about (mentioning the subject twice when you only need to mention it once). I would also get rid of the word "quite". If the house is large, big, monsterous, giant, then just say it, don't muddle up the descriptions with modifiers unless it is an intentional part of the narrators voice.

I would also scrap the line hinting at "keeping secrets". It browbeats me as a reader. You already throw in that the house has trapdoors and so on, which already makes the reader question "What the heck is going on in that crazy house that they need trapdoors for." Show the reader your "secrets" through the action of your characters as the story progresses, instead of refering to them.