This is the opening to my WIP novel. An experiment in changing first person to third. It's far from down.
As always, hopefully not too melodramic. --------------------------------------------------- Once, in his know-it-all youth, Scott insisted that people steered their own fate. His grandfather agreed up to a point. A few, Grandpa Ben said, are marked from the very start. And for those, Murphy’s Law wears iron boots.
Few were ever marked like Scott Landon, The Man Without Dreams. Marked down to the very chromosome. And then there came the day Scott hoped would never come. For it turned out Grandpa Ben was a marked man. And Scott, Scott learned just what Grandpa meant by Murphy’s iron boots...
A late autumn rain poured upon the mountaintop. Drenched, Scott helped his six cousins carry Grandpa Ben to his final resting place. Each step sunk their Sunday-best shoes deeper into the mud. Little by little they approached the blue tent, a reprieve from the cold downpour.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited February 02, 2005).]
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I like this opening and would willingly read more. My only problem was the first line of the second paragraph. It would have been nice to use that to go deeper into the character... i.e. as if we were hearing his thoughts.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I'll take a look.
Posted by rjzeller (Member # 1906) on :
Actually, I like this best if you just start with the third paragraph and ignore the other two. I have a feeling that stuff will work its way in through the course of the story anyway. By starting with the third paragraph, I am forced to wonder what happened with Grandpa and how he died.
Knowing he was a "marked man" takes some (not all, but some) of the mystery out of that paragraph.
I think you'd get a better hook by starting that way, plus it sets a scene for me an introduces Scott as well.
My 2 pennies....
Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :
I'm very much inclined to agree with rjzeller on this one. Excellent point. The third paragraph would make an outstanding first.
Posted by catnep (Member # 2359) on :
A third here. I think starting with the death is more intriguing. It also has the benefit of clarity. With the event of the funeral I had no problem seeing where this could lead, while the leading thoughts were a bit confusing to me until I got to that third paragraph.
[This message has been edited by catnep (edited February 05, 2005).]
Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :
Count me in there as well...the third paragraph would make a better first.
Then work the pertinent info form the first two in after it.
Starting with the third and then delving into Scott's POV and having him explain the Murphy's Iron Boots, would be more effective.
Putting the title that close to the beginning feels forced.