Full work available for review upon request.

The Dreamers

I am the last man alive. Yes, there are others who breathe, sweat, excrete, and possibly even dream, but I am the last man alive.

Science has proceeded onward conquering new territory, the steam engine, the atom, and now, the mind. Like most technologies it all started in the military, rapid skill training through dream control. It then became an expensive luxury. Quickly though, like the radio and DVD player it moved into the average household, becoming as prevalent as the TV. Little Nemo's Dream Machine: Make all your dreams come true. The ads rang out night and day. Do what you want, no consequences, the ultimate temptation, the ultimate addiction.

There were documentaries ("Climb Mt. Everest Today!"), adventures ("Save the beautiful Maiden and fall in love!"), fantasies and sci-fi, and of course pornography, the single fastest growing market. Every type of fantasy you could imagine was available, no matter how criminal it might be in real life; it was legal and without consequences in your dreams.

[This message has been edited by Eadwacer (edited February 22, 2005).]
 

I like the concept. There's a lot you can do with that, but there are a number of problems here, though, that need to be ironed out first.

For one thing, I have no idea who the viewpoint character is. I know it's a man, and that's about it. I can't say why, but this IS one of those rare cases where I think the first person POV would work quite well, so I think you did well to choose that POV. But I still need to get a feel for who the character is or at least what his name is. This intro gives me none of that.

In fact, all this intro gives me is a synopsis -- and overview of everything. I can't help feeling that much of that can make its way into the story, thereby making the rest of the story that much more interesting and allowing you the space/time to get right to the meat of things in the beginning.

I think there's basically two approaches here (not knowing the rest, obviously): 1) This technology looks great but has a dark side which will destroy people's free will and minds, or 2) Having seen mankind dwindled to nothing by an insidious new technology, our hero XXX must learn to cope with [something] alone.

I think you're heading towards option 2, which is fine, but I still have to know who the main character is and I still would love very much to know why he alone is unique and get some sense of what his journey will bring him.

But like I said...love the concept, I just think you need a little less exposition in the opening and a little more "me" time with the character. Keep it in first person POV, I think that works in this case. But either speed up the exposition or cut it and let the story tell me what has happened with this new technology.

My 2 pennies...now watch Survivor come along and comletely debunk everything I've just said!

BTW...I've figured out what it is about the first paragraph that bothers me -- there's not quite enough symmetry between the first and second sentences. "I am the last man alive" is very final sounding. But the following sentence implies otherwise. Perhaps, "My name is Bud, and I'm the last man with a brain still alive." That sounds kinda corny, but hopefully you get the idea. That or expand the second sentence to draw the line between "man" and "bipedal homo-sapiens who drink and pee like me but who cannot be honestly called 'men'."
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I dunno...now I'm just rambling.....I'd like to see what others have to say and then maybe read it again after you've had a chance to review it.
 

On from that point, I have to say that the little history lesson, while it gives a pretty good idea of the premise, is itself a bit of a distraction from the actual story. Maybe this is stuff you need to state up front...but I wouldn't tend to think so.

That said, at under a thousand words I'll read it and give you a review of the complete work.
 

As far as the comments so far, thank you. While I have reasons for what I wrote, I'll wait till I get everything back so as not to bias anyone.

Thank you.
 

Personally, I liked the first line. It was obviously a hook, but it got me thinking, and that's what first lines are supposed to do. It was the second paragraph that lost me. You gave me a character that I'm obviously going to be interested in since he's a first-person narrator, and then told me absolutely nothing about him. Instead I got a history lesson. I don't want history right now, or at least not in chunks. I want to know what gives this guy the right to claim that he's the last man alive. And that probably has something to do with these new dream machines, but I don't know him well enough to care yet.

Think of it like a video camera. If you start out zoomed in real close, then suddenly jerk back away into distant-educational-video narrator, your audience is going to get motion sickness. You've got to pull out slowly, or start out and zoom in, so that we can follow you.

Hope this helps, and that I didn't totally repeat what everybody else just said.
Good luck!

--Jaya
 

But the next two paragraphs were a little much to plod through. I think in a story this short that there should be a firmly established character and plot line early on. The "history lesson," as others have called it, takes me away from the main character and he is the one I am curious about after an opening like that. Perhaps this history is something that could be brought in a little later in the story?

I'm a fast reader so I'd be willing to read your piece if you want.
 

Regarding the other two. I'm willing to accept an info dump here, provided it is clearly in the character's voice. It skirts the edge right now. Amoung other things, if he's the last man alive who's he talking to? He keeps saying "you could..." which implies an audience, even if its a general plural you rather than a specific you. Know what I mean? My other proviso for info-dump is that it ends after these two paragraphs. Actually, I think paragraph three is unnecessary, but would have to read the rest to see.

That said. Send it over.
 

Then he gives us a history lesson, which I can't follow. I still don't know what he means by being the last living man when there are others that seem to be alive. But even if I did follow, I'd rather see through his senses than hear his explanation. Where is he? What's he doing? Who's there? What does he see, hear, feel, taste, smell, or intuit? Once I'm grounded, I'll be more ready for some explanation (but still not much).
 

[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited February 27, 2005).]