“How’s it going?” The green glass bottle thudded hollow against the table. The Heineken sloshed and the gruff man watched it settled.
“Worse than yesterday.” The well dressed man ordered a bottle of vintage red, not expecting what was brought to be very good anyway. “But surely better than tomorrow.”
“Ain’t that the truth. You hear about K.T.?”
“No. I haven’t seen him around much lately. How is the old bag of bones?”
“Retired.”
The well dressed man thanked the waitress when she brought the mostly clean glass and the bottle he’d ordered. The glass was filled half way up and the cap screwed back on the bottle before he could raise an eyebrow.
“Retired? What does that mean exactly?”
“Happened about a month back. He wrapped things up, pawned the last of his stuff, and hopped a plane for home.”
“So he’s just gone?”
The gruff man took a long drag on his beer and licked the excess from his lips. “He’s gone. Probably just going to find a hole in the wall somewhere, crawl into it, and never come out.”
“Well, Lou,” The well dressed man began, then sipped his drink and tried not to taste it as it washed over his tongue. The drink was foul and weak but at least it was something. “I suppose that’s the way we’ll all go eventually.”

[This message has been edited by Josh Leone (edited February 27, 2005).]
 

The first thing I noticed was that it sounds like your green glass bottle is talking. If you're going to open with a quote (and that's tricky, although I do it all the time... it's a bad habit of mine), you've got to make sure that it's clear right away who said it. That's because we're immediately going to latch on to the first person mentioned as somebody important. An easy way to fix this would be to say, "“How’s it going?” The gruff man slammed the green glass bottle against the table." But do it more eloquently than I did.

Other than that... I think the bit with the waitress is too long and interrupts the flow somewhat, but I can deal.

I think that about does it. Are you looking for readers or just critiques on your opening?

--Jaya
 

I have to admit that I hated the nameless descriptions of them. I also feel that while there is a little mystery regarding K.T., it is not readily apparent how that affects these two characters. As Jaina mentioned, we are already interested in these two characters since they are the first ones we meet, so we want to know how this missing K.T. is of interest to them.

Hope that helps.

 

Just kidding. Over the years I’ve learned to take criticism, especially when it’s useful like what you’re offering. Thanks for it.

I can see what you mean about the confusing narrative. On the other hand creating the desire to know about K.T. was exactly what I’d hoped for at this point, so that’s good.

Keep it coming.

Josh Leone
www.JoshLeone.com

 

I was taken by the presence of four 'the's' in the first paragraph as well as the talking bottle. I am very leery of 'the's' and 'that's'.

Try this. Ghost of Hemingway.

Gruffly he queried, "How's it going?" Foaming Heiniken sloshed as its green bottle thudded hollowly against the table. Silently he watched as it settled.

(Of course not everybody likes adverbs.)

[This message has been edited by keldon02 (edited February 27, 2005).]
 

"The green glass bottle thudded hollow against the table. The Heineken sloshed and the gruff man watched it settled."

This could be combined differently to better effect, something like:

The Heineken sloshed inside the green, glass bottle as it thudded, hollow against the table. The gruff man regarded the liquid as it settled.

"...not expecting what was brought to be very good anyway."

Can probably eliminate "anyway"

"The well dressed man thanked the waitress when she brought the mostly clean glass and the bottle he’d ordered. The glass was filled half way up and the cap screwed back on the bottle before he could raise an eyebrow."

In the preceding two sentences you describe both the glass and the bottle which comes off a bit clumsy.

"The gruff man took a long drag on his beer..."

Is he really literally puffing on or inhaling his beer? Unless you are trying to convey this image, or this is possible in your reality, your probably looking for a different word than "drag".

"...was foul and weak but at least it was something."

"At least it was something" is kind of vague and wishy-washy.
 

Keldon
I agree with you completely. There are too many “th’ sounds in it. I like your change and I will likely take your suggestion. Thanks.

Chevy
The more I look at it the more I do notice a lot of extraneous words. I was looking for a word to replace “drag” but so far I haven’t come up with one that really speaks to me. I’ll change it before I submit it to one of my editors though, even if I have to compromise.

Thanks all. This was helpful.

Josh Leone
www.JoshLeone.com