I've tried to write this before as a short story, but found that I have a lot of back story that I was unable to get out. I've decided to give a go at a novel. I'll tentatively give a title of "Alien Invasion", which is intentionally cliched, and will make more sense if I get into what the story is about.

As a scientist myself, trying to write what I know about, it will be a "hard" SF story. I'd love a critique. I have VERY thick skin, and if anyone wants me to give a critique of their work (preferably also hard SF, as I think that's what I'm most qualified for), I'd love to be given that opportunity.

Here goes nothing:

“Hey man, we’re not open yet,” the man behind the bar said as he towel-dried glassware for the after-work rush that never seemed to arrive.

Jack took a few steps further out of the mid-afternoon sunlight, and into the dimly lit bar, allowing the door to swing shut behind him. His eyes adjusted and he glanced at a sign above the bartender which read, “No shirt, no shoes, no service,” though Jack figured that in a place like this, such counsel was more of a suggestion than an actual rule. The bottles of top-shelf alcohol were coated in a thin film of dust, and Jack figured that the only thing top-shelf about them were the bottles themselves, which had likely been salvaged from the dumpster behind a bar in which the brand of vodka in the martini mattered more than the size of the glass. This was the type of bar frequented by hustlers and alcoholics, and Jack figured himself to be only half qualified.

“I’m not here for a drink,” Jack said. He strolled toward the bar with his hands in his pockets. “I was told that I could find Doctor Conor here.”

[This message has been edited by kflanaga (edited February 27, 2005).]
 

The first line of the second paragraph was a little clunky. I think you could tighten that up to read better. I would also suggest a specific delineation between the type of bar in “which the brand of vodka in the martini mattered more than the size of the glass” and the “type of bar frequented by hustlers and alcoholics.” It took me a moment to realize you had switched back to referring to the bar Jack was in.

I would offer to read it except that I am not a “hard” SciFi reader at all so I doubt I’d qualify. But I did enjoy that opening.

 

This could be tightened just a little (try knocking out any adverbs that you can), but on the whole it's pretty good, I think. I would keep reading.

Speaking of which, how long is your first chapter? I can't promise a really quick critique, or a critique of a really long chunk, but I could probably handle a few thousand words over the next several days. I'm not a scientist, but I've read a fair amount of 'hard' sci-fi.
 

A few of the sentences seemed a little long to me, but that's easy enough to fix once you're at the obsessive tuning stage. I'd probably offer to read more, but I am really not a hard SF person at all.

If you'd love the opportunity to crit other people's stuff, btw, just volunteer when they start threads. Don't think of it as a 1-1 kind of deal, either - you're not limited to commenting on stuff posted by the people who have commented on yours, I mean. It's a community deal.
 

I've already made changes based on the above comments, and I'll continue to write. I'll also try to become a better member here so that when I do have more to critique I won't feel guilty asking for help!
 

I wouldn't mind critting a first chapter (as long as it's a short first chapter rather than one of those really long ones--even at that, I might not mind).
 

My only real problem with the story so far is that I'm not interested in "a man walks into a bar..." I am not sure the 13-line rule works for novels. Maybe we need a blurb too! But anyway, I'm not hooked yet.
 

I will work on the opening chapter. I have to say, I've written the beginning of this story a few times, and never continued it, but now I feel sort of invigorated to actually get somewhere with it. Thanks.
 

However, Minister is dead on about the POV in that first line. Keep it coming from Jack's perspective.

Also think this is pretty darned good for a genuine first effort.

Little nitpick: Jack 'figures' three times in that second paragraph. Variety is one important key to successful writing--variety in sentence length and structure, variety in vocabulary, variety in paragraph length, variety, variety, variety. Think of writing as an art exhibit. How boring would it be if the exhibit were 100 prints of the same painting, all the same size and shape, only framed in different frames. <YAWN>