Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Generations

This is topic Generations in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by DeepDreamer (Member # 5337) on :

First dozen lines of a short-short story of about a thousand words. Because it's so short, (I'm wanting help to pare it down to 800 words or so) it's been really tough. It's really more of an idea story than anything else. Anyone willing to read it and offer advice, opinions, comments?

"Particle entanglement is a natural process that occurs within the fourth dimension in response to Le Guin's Rule of Universal Connectivity, (RUC). . . . It is postulated that RUC could be applied to organized matter, such as stones or even human beings, which would then, theoretically, behave in parallel fashion similarly to the way entangled particles do."
--From a July 2170 Editorial in Popular Quantum Mechanics
* * *
What is thought to be possible could be happening now-- in fact, is happening, as seen in two children, their lives, for a time, running parallel.

. . . The story then goes on to alternating POV's of the two children.

Posted by 77chevy (Member # 2397) on :

Not a lot to comment on. The quote is a bit vague on the concept of "parallel fashion", but interesting otherwise (Is that theory from one of Ursula's future great-grandchildren?)

Also, what is your viewpoint? The only real sentence we have to work with is the intro which seems very third person omniscient, almost like Rod Serling narrating in the old Twilight Zone. Is this intro (after the quote) truly necessary or would it be better to move right into the story?

[This message has been edited by 77chevy (edited February 28, 2005).]

Posted by 77chevy (Member # 2397) on :

If you send me a copy I'll take a look at it for you.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

My thought so far is: cut everything you've posted, and start with the POV character experiencing something interesting. Always good advice, I think! I suspect that that will be my response to seeing the whole thing, so I'd rather see the first revision.

Posted by DeepDreamer (Member # 5337) on :

This, while it is still only a rough draft, is by no means a first draft. In the first dreaft, i did jump right in to the children's POV. I know this beginning needs work, and I do agree that this beginning may not even be necessary. Taken as a whole, though, the story seems to require at least some kind of explanation as to what's going on, so that's why I've made it this way this time.

Anyhow, thanks for your interest. I'm sending the latest draft to you, 77chevy.

Wbriggs, would you like to see both main drafts, the one that jumped right in and the one that doesn't, for comparison?

Posted by Rocklover (Member # 2339) on :

So DD, how do you intend to use this "quote"? Will it be in a prologue, or will some character be reading it, or will it come as an introductory statement at the beginning of the chapter?

I am wondering now about how this principle will work in your story. Do the two masses connected have to be the same kind of thing, like two humans or two rocks or two beasts? Or can two different things connect?
Ar both connected masses living in the same time or can this connection occur between two time frames? Are the two masses in parallel universes? Do they interact or function in a parallel manner without being aware of it or each other? Do the actions of one affect the actions of the other? Do the actions of one interfer with the free will of the other?
You've got me curious.

[This message has been edited by Rocklover (edited March 02, 2005).]

Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :

The quote's a turn-off. I see something that technical as the first line, I'm going to look for something else to read. I'd rather find something that gives me somebody to care about first.

That said, I think the story idea is intriguing, and I'd like to see where you're taking this.

--Jaya

Posted by DeepDreamer (Member # 5337) on :

-=-=-=-=-
"Quantum entanglement is a natural process that occurs within the fourth dimension in response to Le Guin's Rule of Universal Connectivity . . . . RUC applied to organized matter -- stones or even human beings -- would theoretically reveal parallel behavior similar to that of entangled particles."
--Popular Quantum Mechanics, July 2170
* * *
Meredith stood alone in her berth, holding a double arms-length of stars in her view that didn't correspond to anything on the adjacent chart. The only star that mattered stayed somewhere imperceptibly behind. Meredith touched the lighter patch of sky where it would be, the window keeping it just out of reach.
"Sol," she whispered. The home-star, and its third planet. Earth. She almost felt it spinning as the S. S. Generations hurtled deeper into eternal night.
She wondered, Is it possible to be homesick for a place I've never seen?

Here are the first thirteen lines of the latest draft. Right at the moment, it's going to stay a short short-story, at least, until I get some of my other projects done. If and when I come back to it, I certainly will explore all of those ideas you had, RL, by making this piece the prologue for a novel. It certainly offers a lot of possibilities.
As it is now, the story is pretty much plotless, and I'm not making any excuses. Read it for yourself and see if it works. Also, without those first two sentences, the rest of the story wouldn't have a purpose. That passage illuminates what transpires in the next 800 words. I've trimmed it as much as I dare, (with help from Mekvat, to whom I give a huge Thank You!) but it's not going anywhere. I suppose you could say it's a mini-prologue. I thought about making it an excerpt from an ansible message instead of a magazine, but it doesn't really affect anything because neither of the children is aware of the other, and I'm keeping it that way. If I were to novelize the idea, then yes, they would be. In a short-short story, there's no room for that level of complexity.

Anyhow, I'd really like to know if anyone is willing to give it a read. I want to know if the average initial reader would pick up on the parallels. If anyone would like to see it, let me know. Thanks!