quote:But such justifications did not keep the sweat from beading on his forehead, nor his heart from racing, nor his shame from burning red on his cheeks.
OR THIS?
quote:But such justifications did not keep the sweat from beading on his forehead, nor his heart racing, nor his shame burning red on his cheeks.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I think the first one is correct, but I had to read them twice word-by-word to spot the difference.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
The first.
Posted by keldon02 (Member # 2398) on :
The first is better, both hypnotic and poetic. What about changing word order a bit and shortening all?
...forehead sweat from beading, heart from racing nor red-burned shame from coloring cheeks.
Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :
The first: it's all about parallel sentence structure. If you said "from" in the first bit, you have to continue it through the rest of the sentence. It flows better that way: read them both out loud a couple of times and I think you'll see what I mean.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Oh, yeah! Read them out loud, and it became perfectly clear. Thanks Jaina.
But Keldon, the wording stays how it is. It's very much a part of the voice of the piece just the way it is.
Thanks Beth and Mary, too. First one it is.
Posted by keldon02 (Member # 2398) on :
Of course. Like I said it was poetic. I tend to overstep boundaries sometimes.
Posted by Tanglier (Member # 1313) on :
I like the first. The only problem is the word "justication," it's big and latin and it doesn't belong.
It reminded me of
quote:the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happen to them all.
I tend to overstep boundaries sometimes.